When I returned home from my junior year in college, I was headed to Reno, Nevada, to do an internship, and thus, I needed a car. My Dad helped me get a loan and I set out doing lots of research. There is one thing you should know about me… I’m big on getting the best, and I will do research to make sure I’m getting the best. Now, the best doesn’t have to necessarily be the most expensive… in this case, when I say best, I mean the one that will last the longest, with the best gas mileage, and in doing this, for the first time, I found myself engrossed in a sea of Carfax material, Consumer Reports guides, Internet research, and much more… Here was the catch to buying a car though, since I’m a poor college student, and more particularly, since I’m a 21 year old male in the state of California, I needed to have my Dad co-sign on the car so that my insurance would be significantly cheaper. My Dad left 2 days after I got home… So, I had 2 days to find the best car… I searched Craigslist, Cars.com, Auto trader, you name it, I went there. I found nothing the first day, and as the second day approached, I continued to search. I found a nice Saturn at a dealership with low miles, but was hesitant to go since I had not really researched Saturn and was hoping for a Toyota or a Honda… so I continued to look, and finally my Dad looked at me and said…
“Josh… Stop, you need to realize, that even after you do all of this research, even if you find the best car… the one with the fewest miles, best ratings, best price, etc. And it still may break down at some point. At the end of the day, it’s just a car, and I think that God will honor your research… And if you pick wrong, it’s okay, you’ll learn from it and move on…”
I ended up buying a Mazda Protégé, at a really good price, and it’s been a great car…
You ever find yourself doing the same? Maybe not in the realm of buying cars… but what about in the area of dating?
I know I had always been told to only pursue the “best”… but what does “best” look like? How do you know when a person is the “best”? I recently had my best friend struggle with this. He had many fears when entering a potential relationship. They both confessed they had feelings, but he was afraid to hurt her… he was afraid that she wasn’t the “one” and thus that things would end in a break-up and she would be hurt. One day, as he struggled with his decision, I called and asked him…
Me: If you were sure that you wouldn’t hurt her, would you go for it?
Him: yeah man…
Me: You need to realize that in every relationship there is going to be some risk involved… you could possibly hurt the other person… but they sign up for that when you begin dating…
No matter how much time you spend talking about things before you become “official” or how much you know about the other person, you still, at some point, have to take a risk in beginning a dating relationship. You may be able to narrow the gap, and I strongly recommend doing this, through spending time with the person, and also getting the opinion of people around you, especially your parents… you’d be surprised, even though they may have gone 30 years since they last dated, they still have amazing advice…
I know that when I was a teen, I had this idea that dating was bad. That Christians don’t date, the world dates… And then some years later, I read the Joshua Harris books and learned that maybe “Courting” is the way to do. I was convinced that Courtship was the Christian dating… I bought into this concept that Christians must do everything differently.
Now please do realize that I was never taught any of this, but these were simply my perceptions…
Dating was when a girl and guy liked each other, they would “date”… not long after, they would probably be talking about how they the other person was the “one”… but odds are, they would break up, cause they had not put a lot of thought into dating each other, they hadn’t taken the time to see if they really were potential future spouses…They hadn’t done their “research”… And it would end in heartbreak, the both would cry a lot, and swear off dating for… ever….
And then two weeks later, they would be dating someone else and confessing their undying love for that person… And the cycle would begin again…
Courtship was based partially on the concept that you should wait until you’re ready to get married to consider dating/ courting… Then, when you were at an age where you were ready to get married, and you found a particular person to be attractive, you would talk to them and confess your feelings, but rather than simply dating the person, you would make it clear from the beginning that this relationship was intentionally for the sake of finding out whether this person was to be their future spouse. It started with Marriage as the goal, and went from there… Those that I know who have followed this have typically dating for anywhere from 6 months to a year and then gotten married. The concept was, if you were willing to save yourself, not only physically and sexually, but also emotionally, then it would make your marriage better as you would be able to enjoy your spouse fully…
This concept is great… it really is, and for some time, this is what I dreamed of my future relationship looking like. I would wait until I was 22 or 23 years old… until I had finished college, had my life in order, and then I would begin to look for “that” girl. There were a few problems for me though…
One, I had hormones that wanted desperately to date girls I found attractive… I’m kind of one of those guys who is big on romance. I can’t tell you how badly I wanted to find a girlfriend so I could spoil her, so I could hold her hand, so I could not have to feel pressured about who to ask to prom…
Two… After I was finished with girls for a while, having had a potential relationship blow up in my face, I was ready to simply be single for a while… and then I met a girl who changed everything… I met her at a camp in the Santa Cruz mountains and we hit it off immediately… we spent the entire week doing everything together… and we talked every night afterwards for the following two weeks before I went down to visit her..
What do you do, when at 19, when you’re not ready to get married yet, you meet a girl who takes your breath away? A girl that God has placed in your life… What do you do then? Well, dating says, “go for it…” while Courtship says, “Wait until you’re ready to get married…” Courtship champions a friendship relationship first until you’re in a place where you’re ready to begin a courting relationship… the hope is that you can narrow the “gap” and thus minimize the risk involved in moving forward together in hopes of also minimizing the heartbreak should things not work out…
I don’t know what many of you think of this or what you would do in this situation, but I went for it… I didn’t really pay attention to the whole dating/ courtship thing and instead, I did what I thought was best in the situations that arose… I began, a month after meeting her, when we both had expressed feelings for one another, but weren’t “official” yet, I told her that this relationship was for the intent of finding out whether or not I thought she was a person I could spend the rest of my life with… She whole-heartedly agreed.
Three... I was talking with a friend while getting Jamba Juice… I talked to her about a relationship she had been a part of that fell apart. Her Father had imposed strict rules and demanded that they pursue courtship from the beginning… Her Father told her she could not date… and you know what almost happened? She almost married the wrong person… She told me this one day…
“One of the flaws of courtship is that you’re constantly looking for ways to make it work, rather than looking for signs that it doesn’t work.”
How true is this? In a marriage relationship, you should be doing everything you can to make it work, but if you’re struggling through your pre-marriage relationship, you may be trying too hard to make your will fit God’s. You may be trying to justify a certain significant other as being “good enough”.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
On Tilt
In poker, they have a term called, “On tilt”. When a player is on tilt, they have just lost a lot of money because they either made a bad mistake, or because they had a great hand that got beat by an extraordinary plan. When you lose a lot of money in poker, many times it’s best to fold your next hand regardless what it is, because when a player is on tilt, that player is more likely to make another bad decision. I’ve literally watched as professional poker players (yes, I actually watch poker on tv…) go from being the leader of 200 plus players with over a million chips and then lose a hand… and then, another.. and then make a terrible call, because they’re so frustrated, and literally in three hands (or rounds), the person literally goes from leader to losing all their chips… all because they made one bad decision. Or maybe they didn’t make a bad decision, but rather, they simply got beat by a better hand. Either way, it was because of their response to the loss that they are now out of chips and on their way home…
In many ways today, I have found that many couples within the Christian community, who have many assumptions about how they are supposed to live. I found myself feeling that I had to live up to an unspoken standard within the church. I felt like I needed to “Date Biblically”. Now don’t get me wrong here… I think the Bible is incredibly important and is the highest authority by which a Christian ought to live their life. But the Bible only mentions two things to couples who are not married.
First, that sex before marriage (fornication) is prohibited. We’ve already discussed that sex before marriage removes the intended meaning of sex. God intended sex to be a uniting act that literally joins the husband and the wife together as one. If you have sex with multiple people, how can you be one with them and with the person you will eventually love? You give each person you sleep with a piece of you, and you take a part of them.
Second, we are commanded to be “equally yoked”. In 2 Corinthians 6:14 it says,
“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”
Paul is saying that we need to make sure that when we pick a partner for the rest of our life, that they are spiritually yoked to us. The metaphor is this: If you can picture two oxen next to each other. If one is strong and the other weak, they would not be able to walk straight, for the weak one would bring the strong one down. In the same way, Paul encourages those who are believers to marry within their faith, for otherwise, if the goals of the two are not the same, then they will simply wear each other out.
Beyond this, Biblical dating looked something like this. You met a girl. You like the girl. You negotiated with her Father. You “buy” her. You head back home to your father’s house. You build onto his house. Once you complete that, you bring the girl to the house you’ve built, you get married. End of story.
Can you imagine if we really pursued biblical dating? What about when Abraham sends his servant to pick out a wife for his son Isaac? The servant goes to a well, meets a girl named Rebekah, and then asks, so will you marry my master’s son? And to this, without meeting Isaac, without discussing living conditions, what Isaac does for a living, how many kids he wants, what his personality it like, if he’s attractive, nothing. Instead, Laban and Bethuel, the Father and brother of Rebekah, respond this way:
“This is totally from God. We have no say in the matter, either yes or no. Rebekah is yours: Take her and go; let her be the wife of your master’s son, God has made it plain.”
(Genesis 24:50-51)
Can you imagine dating like this? How crazy!
Now the Bible does offer some personal things to people individually. That we are to be kind, encouraging, etc. And it has plenty to say about those who are married, but nothing about dating. There is no standard for dating within the Bible. Within that regard, there is no biblical dating.
But when I make mistakes, I still don’t want others to know. Why do Christians try to hide their mistakes? Well, I can only speak from my story, but I found for me personally, that when my girlfriend and I made a physical mistake, that we both responded differently. I initially felt guilty, but would quickly suppress that feeling by thinking of other things, or trying to convince myself that I would be better next time. My girlfriend, initially would be fine with it, but eventually, and for a long period of time, she would feel like many girls feel after they “go too far…” One girl described it as,
“Unlike guys, girls think about it (their mistake) throughout the day, and I would feel like I had given a part of myself away… I would feel worthless and used.”
I’ve found this to be true with many people I’ve talked to and stories I’ve read. What’s interesting about guys, is that, at least I, did think about it throughout the day, but in order to not admit failure, in order to appear confident, would hide my feelings of guilt. I didn’t want my girlfriend to know I had failed. I found a lot of my self-confidence and self-worth in my ability to be successful in other peoples eyes… especially hers. And so, I would want to appear like I had it all together, but little did she know that I was bleeding internally. See, I was raised that guys were supposed to protect girls… guys were not to be hunters, seeking girls as their prey, but rather, guys are to be knights, protecting girls from guys with the hunter mentality. I’ve had lots of friends who are girls, and I’ve constantly fought to keep those guys away from them. I would become protective of them and if I ever found out that a guy was mistreating a girl, I would immediately confront him and straighten him out… but in my relationship, the guy I always thought I would be, I wasn’t. In my relationship, no matter how hard I tried, I constantly desired to cross the line physically, and this constantly led to me feeling like I didn’t have it, that I wasn’t enough, that I was a hunter.
As a result, I went into hiding. I didn’t want anyone else to know that I had made a mistake… everyone else had it together… and then I found out, no one had it together. Most of the people I knew were where I was, had been where I was, or sadly was headed down the path to where I was. Trying to act like I had it together, but falling apart and afraid.
This happened on one night when I was particularly frustrated, at a breaking point, a point of weakness… I finally got to the point where I had screwed up so many times that I actually talked to one night to a friend of mine who had been married for about 8 months. He told me an interesting thing, he and his now wife had struggled with this too. He had been transparent with me and many others about his shortcomings, except in this area.
Why would he hide his shortcomings in his relationship but in many other areas of his life be genuine and transparent? And why is it, that so many Christians struggle, but few are willing to talk about it? I think it has to do with this misconception of Christian dating…
See, what I spoke about earlier, about being, “On tilt” is what I see as the picture of Christian dating… Why is it that the statistics of divorce in the church and those outside the church are the same? I believe it is because Christians are afraid to admit that they don’t meet the standard. They are afraid to admit that they aren’t dating “biblically”… and once they make that first mistake, it snowballs into another mistake and another…
When I told others I struggled, the immediate response was this…
“You should institute a curfew…” or “you should try a multi-level seating…” meaning that when we’re alone together at night, that we should have one person on the couch and one on the ground…
These are great ideas… don’t get me wrong. But is that even the issue? I put lots of rules into effect, and broke them all. The reason I am here is not because I didn’t have rules, but because I broke them… why do we think that the answer to this problem is to put more rules in place? It doesn’t make sense, and at best, it’s a band-aid on a much deeper problem.
See, I think the problem is that many couples are “On Tilt” when it comes to the physical purity of their relationship and I think that they then read 1 Corinthians 7:9 which says:
“But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
And so, rather than solve the problem, they simply get married, thinking that will solve the problem… The problem, is not entirely sexual temptation, but rather an issue of a lack of self-control. We aren’t just dealing with the desire to have sex, but rather, we’re dealing with the age-old struggle of self-control… And this pours into a persons marriage… sure, for a time, things are great… but eventually, one of them may not use self-control when it comes to spending money, or how much time they spend on the computer, or how much food they eat… The problem has changed, but the issue is the same.
See, I’ve found that what I need is not rules… what I need is reform. I need to learn to control my desires, thoughts, etc. And the worst part is, the test doesn’t start when I am finally with my girlfriend… No, the test begins now…
I was told this summer by a pastor I interned under that one day, “Your church will become you…” And this thought terrified me. What if I became the pastor of a church, and it eventually began to think the way I did? What if it had the lack of self-discipline I had? What if it was as lazy as I can be? And it was not until some time later that I realized that the same is true of my relationship. What you want to happen in your relationship, will happen. So if you find yourself fantasizing about what you and your significant other have done or will do, or what you want to happen, don’t be surprised when it does, and be prepared for the heartache that can bring. In our thought life, the desires and fantasies seem so harmless… but when they become reality, they are quite painful. If I want to be pure with my girlfriend when I am with her, I need to prepare myself now. I need to be training myself now to face the temptation that I will face. I was listening to a gold medalist talk about the feeling they have on race day… it went something like this…
“I love race day… The hard part is done… after all the hard work you’ve put in… all you have to do is perform like you trained…”
What a true statement! If you show up to a race, how you do that day will play a part in how you place… but in reality, if you think the test is only on race day, try showing up to a marathon the day of without training and see how you do… if you have never trained your body, you will fail. If you’ve never trained your mind and your will to chose purity, you’ll fail when the temptation comes…
I encourage you, please break the cycle! Be genuine with those around you, and train your body and mind now to choose purity. Don’t establish more rules, they will only be broken, but rather seek reform that only comes from Christ, only comes from a change of perspective and heart, but the change will spill over into your relationships… only when we truly are the knight in character, only when we’ve trained ourselves to desire purity, can we be the knights, the protectors that God intended us to be…
In many ways today, I have found that many couples within the Christian community, who have many assumptions about how they are supposed to live. I found myself feeling that I had to live up to an unspoken standard within the church. I felt like I needed to “Date Biblically”. Now don’t get me wrong here… I think the Bible is incredibly important and is the highest authority by which a Christian ought to live their life. But the Bible only mentions two things to couples who are not married.
First, that sex before marriage (fornication) is prohibited. We’ve already discussed that sex before marriage removes the intended meaning of sex. God intended sex to be a uniting act that literally joins the husband and the wife together as one. If you have sex with multiple people, how can you be one with them and with the person you will eventually love? You give each person you sleep with a piece of you, and you take a part of them.
Second, we are commanded to be “equally yoked”. In 2 Corinthians 6:14 it says,
“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”
Paul is saying that we need to make sure that when we pick a partner for the rest of our life, that they are spiritually yoked to us. The metaphor is this: If you can picture two oxen next to each other. If one is strong and the other weak, they would not be able to walk straight, for the weak one would bring the strong one down. In the same way, Paul encourages those who are believers to marry within their faith, for otherwise, if the goals of the two are not the same, then they will simply wear each other out.
Beyond this, Biblical dating looked something like this. You met a girl. You like the girl. You negotiated with her Father. You “buy” her. You head back home to your father’s house. You build onto his house. Once you complete that, you bring the girl to the house you’ve built, you get married. End of story.
Can you imagine if we really pursued biblical dating? What about when Abraham sends his servant to pick out a wife for his son Isaac? The servant goes to a well, meets a girl named Rebekah, and then asks, so will you marry my master’s son? And to this, without meeting Isaac, without discussing living conditions, what Isaac does for a living, how many kids he wants, what his personality it like, if he’s attractive, nothing. Instead, Laban and Bethuel, the Father and brother of Rebekah, respond this way:
“This is totally from God. We have no say in the matter, either yes or no. Rebekah is yours: Take her and go; let her be the wife of your master’s son, God has made it plain.”
(Genesis 24:50-51)
Can you imagine dating like this? How crazy!
Now the Bible does offer some personal things to people individually. That we are to be kind, encouraging, etc. And it has plenty to say about those who are married, but nothing about dating. There is no standard for dating within the Bible. Within that regard, there is no biblical dating.
But when I make mistakes, I still don’t want others to know. Why do Christians try to hide their mistakes? Well, I can only speak from my story, but I found for me personally, that when my girlfriend and I made a physical mistake, that we both responded differently. I initially felt guilty, but would quickly suppress that feeling by thinking of other things, or trying to convince myself that I would be better next time. My girlfriend, initially would be fine with it, but eventually, and for a long period of time, she would feel like many girls feel after they “go too far…” One girl described it as,
“Unlike guys, girls think about it (their mistake) throughout the day, and I would feel like I had given a part of myself away… I would feel worthless and used.”
I’ve found this to be true with many people I’ve talked to and stories I’ve read. What’s interesting about guys, is that, at least I, did think about it throughout the day, but in order to not admit failure, in order to appear confident, would hide my feelings of guilt. I didn’t want my girlfriend to know I had failed. I found a lot of my self-confidence and self-worth in my ability to be successful in other peoples eyes… especially hers. And so, I would want to appear like I had it all together, but little did she know that I was bleeding internally. See, I was raised that guys were supposed to protect girls… guys were not to be hunters, seeking girls as their prey, but rather, guys are to be knights, protecting girls from guys with the hunter mentality. I’ve had lots of friends who are girls, and I’ve constantly fought to keep those guys away from them. I would become protective of them and if I ever found out that a guy was mistreating a girl, I would immediately confront him and straighten him out… but in my relationship, the guy I always thought I would be, I wasn’t. In my relationship, no matter how hard I tried, I constantly desired to cross the line physically, and this constantly led to me feeling like I didn’t have it, that I wasn’t enough, that I was a hunter.
As a result, I went into hiding. I didn’t want anyone else to know that I had made a mistake… everyone else had it together… and then I found out, no one had it together. Most of the people I knew were where I was, had been where I was, or sadly was headed down the path to where I was. Trying to act like I had it together, but falling apart and afraid.
This happened on one night when I was particularly frustrated, at a breaking point, a point of weakness… I finally got to the point where I had screwed up so many times that I actually talked to one night to a friend of mine who had been married for about 8 months. He told me an interesting thing, he and his now wife had struggled with this too. He had been transparent with me and many others about his shortcomings, except in this area.
Why would he hide his shortcomings in his relationship but in many other areas of his life be genuine and transparent? And why is it, that so many Christians struggle, but few are willing to talk about it? I think it has to do with this misconception of Christian dating…
See, what I spoke about earlier, about being, “On tilt” is what I see as the picture of Christian dating… Why is it that the statistics of divorce in the church and those outside the church are the same? I believe it is because Christians are afraid to admit that they don’t meet the standard. They are afraid to admit that they aren’t dating “biblically”… and once they make that first mistake, it snowballs into another mistake and another…
When I told others I struggled, the immediate response was this…
“You should institute a curfew…” or “you should try a multi-level seating…” meaning that when we’re alone together at night, that we should have one person on the couch and one on the ground…
These are great ideas… don’t get me wrong. But is that even the issue? I put lots of rules into effect, and broke them all. The reason I am here is not because I didn’t have rules, but because I broke them… why do we think that the answer to this problem is to put more rules in place? It doesn’t make sense, and at best, it’s a band-aid on a much deeper problem.
See, I think the problem is that many couples are “On Tilt” when it comes to the physical purity of their relationship and I think that they then read 1 Corinthians 7:9 which says:
“But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
And so, rather than solve the problem, they simply get married, thinking that will solve the problem… The problem, is not entirely sexual temptation, but rather an issue of a lack of self-control. We aren’t just dealing with the desire to have sex, but rather, we’re dealing with the age-old struggle of self-control… And this pours into a persons marriage… sure, for a time, things are great… but eventually, one of them may not use self-control when it comes to spending money, or how much time they spend on the computer, or how much food they eat… The problem has changed, but the issue is the same.
See, I’ve found that what I need is not rules… what I need is reform. I need to learn to control my desires, thoughts, etc. And the worst part is, the test doesn’t start when I am finally with my girlfriend… No, the test begins now…
I was told this summer by a pastor I interned under that one day, “Your church will become you…” And this thought terrified me. What if I became the pastor of a church, and it eventually began to think the way I did? What if it had the lack of self-discipline I had? What if it was as lazy as I can be? And it was not until some time later that I realized that the same is true of my relationship. What you want to happen in your relationship, will happen. So if you find yourself fantasizing about what you and your significant other have done or will do, or what you want to happen, don’t be surprised when it does, and be prepared for the heartache that can bring. In our thought life, the desires and fantasies seem so harmless… but when they become reality, they are quite painful. If I want to be pure with my girlfriend when I am with her, I need to prepare myself now. I need to be training myself now to face the temptation that I will face. I was listening to a gold medalist talk about the feeling they have on race day… it went something like this…
“I love race day… The hard part is done… after all the hard work you’ve put in… all you have to do is perform like you trained…”
What a true statement! If you show up to a race, how you do that day will play a part in how you place… but in reality, if you think the test is only on race day, try showing up to a marathon the day of without training and see how you do… if you have never trained your body, you will fail. If you’ve never trained your mind and your will to chose purity, you’ll fail when the temptation comes…
I encourage you, please break the cycle! Be genuine with those around you, and train your body and mind now to choose purity. Don’t establish more rules, they will only be broken, but rather seek reform that only comes from Christ, only comes from a change of perspective and heart, but the change will spill over into your relationships… only when we truly are the knight in character, only when we’ve trained ourselves to desire purity, can we be the knights, the protectors that God intended us to be…
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Cheapen
Here’s a chapter that I’m sure many can relate to… the issue of where to set physical boundaries in a relationship and basically the issue of sex. I remember as a kid growing up that sex took on the connotation of something that was bad. I had been taught that in marriage it is good, but since I wasn’t married it was bad. I also learned this of smoking and drinking. No one told me they were bad, but if you saw a Christian who was smoking or drinking or was sleeping around, then they must not have been a true Christian. Again, none of this was said, but it was an unwritten rule if you will. I get questions all the time from friends, kids in youth group, and I constantly ask myself, where do I set a physical boundary? And the first place I went was the Bible.
With the exception of saying that we are not to be unequally yoked, and that sex is for marriage, the Bible says virtually nothing about physical boundaries when it comes to dating. Matter of fact, all the people who speak of Biblical dating, make me wonder what they base it off of. Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe there should be differences between Christians who date and non-Christians who date, but at the same time, should the emotions be different? I don’t think so.
I’ve found that when deciding where to set physical boundaries, it’s best to think of a time when you may have been to a majestic viewpoint. Many of them are elevated or are overlooking a huge downfall, cliff, or canyon. When you visit these places, you want to get as close to the view as you can, because it makes the experience that much more exciting, exhilarating, and gets you better pictures. But when you go, if they have a guard-rail, where is it set? Is it right on the edge? Of course not! Because if someone were to cross the rail or boundary, they would instantly die. They set the guardrail 10-20 feet back from the drop-off, so that should someone somehow accidentally go over it, the consequences aren’t near as great. I found that it was best to set my boundaries as far from the ledge as possible. And sure enough, I have overstepped the boundary, but thankfully, have not fallen off the cliff yet. I’m glad I gave myself room, because I’ve gone past the boundary so many times. Actually, I’ve often tried to get as close to the boundary as I can, because it’s there that the experience is the “best”.
To really understand physical boundaries, we must first have an understanding of what sex is. To do this, I read about the origins of sex, in the creation account recorded in the book of Genesis. Basically the story goes something like this… God creates the world, and on the sixth day, he creates Adam. God tells Adam to name all of the animals, and Adam does so. But when he finished, Adam was still lonely… there was no one like him and God sees this. It says in chapter 2:18,
“The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
And so, God causes Adam to fall into a deep sleep, takes a rib, and makes a woman… When God brings them together, Adam says,
“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, 'for she was taken out of man."
And within that statement, there is a sense of, “Finally! Someone like me! Ooh! And she’s pretty too!” I always wondered, did God make a mistake here? Did God not realize that Adam would not find someone suitable among the animals? Because God created us in His image, it seems clear that since God lives in community (Father, Son, and Spirit) that He created us for community. What was God thinking here? Maybe, He was waiting for Adam to realize his need, and once he did, God could then come in and meet his need. In the same way that God does not immediately kick Adam and Eve out of the garden, because he allows us to live out our lives, and waits to meet our need, the one He knows we have even before we realize we have a need.
Then God says an interesting thing that I’m sure you’ve probably heard at a wedding before,
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
And you know how they become one flesh? Sex.
What is this powerful thing that it can literally unite two flesh into one? It is the one of the most beautiful and intimate things that God created for mankind. It is something that can unite two people in a way that nothing else can. And it is much more than a simple physical experience. Bruce Waltke, who wrote a commentary on Genesis says, “A man and woman are never more like God than on their wedding day when they commit themselves unconditionally to one another.” (89) When I saw sex in this light, it became clear to me that sex is a present.
When I was younger, my parents would make us go to bed at 8 pm on Christmas Eve, and then tell me and my brothers that they were letting alligators loose in our house and if we peeked out and over the railing to the tree downstairs, that they would come get us. This worried me on many levels, especially when I had to pee. But when I did pee, I would just happen to “glance” over the railing and see the tree loaded with presents and think to myself, “those are for me!“ And they were, and there was nothing stopping me from going downstairs and looking at them, shaking them, maybe opening one and putting it back. But why would I do that? I would cheapen the gift. The surprise would be gone. Christmas would be boring.
In the same way, God has this gift for us called sex. It’s the best gift ever, what we’ve always wished for. And we can peek before it’s time, we can open it up and use it. But the gift is ours the whole time. God is not withholding sex, He’s waiting for the perfect moment. It’s like opening a container of glue before you need it. It’s better to wait until you need glue to open it, because it is at that very moment that glue is most sticky. Wait long enough, and glue won’t stick things together. Sex is the glue of a relationship. It’s the ultimate act of love as evidenced by the effects of sex (uniting two people into one flesh). God’s is simply waiting to give it to us when we are ready for it. But often times for me, I want it now… And from those who I have talked to who have opened this gift and used it, when it comes to their wedding night, it’s not as special, it’s not what it would have been, because we already know what the gift is. This gift is to be saved for your wedding night, that’s how God intended it, to bring two people together, but if you do this with many people, than it is hard to be exclusively with another person because you’ve given part of yourself to these people, because the glue is not as sticky.
But everyone, and I mean literally almost everyone has messed up in this area. You may not have had sex, but you’ve probably overstepped whatever boundary you set physically. It’s okay… That’s normal… That’s what God intended… for you to be physically attracted to someone and to desire this gift. Now please don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying it’s okay to mess up… I’m just letting you know that you’re not the only one and that, to some extent, it’s a normal part of dating someone. The question isn’t if and when it will happen, but more likely, what will you do when it happens?
In my relationship, I have screwed up several times physically. I would desire so badly for something pleasurable, to experience a part of this gift… to take a peek, and then put it back. Afterwards, I would always feel extremely guilty. What then? Most of the time, I try to simply fix the circumstance… I try to treat both my guilt and hers, by turning to encouraging Scriptures, doing things that take our mind off of things, and ultimately, trying to make both of us “feel” better. But what really needs to happen is for the problem to be solved. We need to address the issue. It’ll actually make it harder to talk about, but it needs to be done. You’ll probably feel even more guilty, but in the same way that it’s more comfortable to not remove the sliver, over time, things will get infected and ultimately, that simple sliver, if left unattended, will grow infected and kill you. How did I deal with the guilt of this mistake?
I remember watching the Olympics one night, particularly the gymnasts, and it was incredible listening to these commentators describe their runs. Every single word during the routine was negative. That’s because in gymnastics, you start with a perfect score, and then they take points away. Whereas in Basketball, you start with zero points, shots, blocks, steals, etc. and work your way up. I have always been a gymnast, I would see our relationship as starting out pure (or a perfect 10) and then every time I messed up, well, that was two-tenths of a point, or three-tenths of a point, or for a really big mistake, five-tenths of a point. I did my best, as many gymnasts do, to hide the mistakes from the judges (my peers) because I didn’t want them to know that my relationship that appeared to be a near ten was actually more like a six or a five or a two… But if I looked at things as a basketball player does, from the starting point, I can only go up. They even talk in basketball about how a really good shooter will have off-nights, and you know what he’s supposed to do on those off-nights? Keep shooting, because they’ll eventually begin to go in. He trusts his practice and ability to have the confidence to know that eventually he’ll make it. I think this is the mentality that I should have. That even in a huge slump, even when I mess up all the time, to keep on trying, and not trusting in my ability, or in my practice, but rather that God will pull me through it. It’s never easy, or fun, but it’s always worthwhile. Because in the same way that a shooter almost always breaks his slump with one of his best games ever, so also I have broken through a series of mistakes with a resounding victory.
One of the benefits to adapting a basketball style mentality is that you see others, not as judges who will deduct points, but rather people who can encourage you, who know that you can do it, and will help you face the criticism when it comes constantly looking to the future and your coming success. I was terrified to tell people, especially Christians, of Karen and my mistakes. See, I found that, when I did tell my friends, almost everyone of them were in the same boat. But none of them, especially me, wanted to say anything because we were afraid of what others would think when they learned that we weren’t meeting the standard of complete purity. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone in your struggle, that you are not alone, and to say that I found my greatest victories by allowing others to be a crucial part of my purity and to hold me accountable to the standard I want to set. And when I mess up, they aren’t there to mark points off, or look down on me, but rather, they are the ones, when I think there’s no hope, to encourage me that a victory is coming and that I simply need to trust God and hang in there.
With the exception of saying that we are not to be unequally yoked, and that sex is for marriage, the Bible says virtually nothing about physical boundaries when it comes to dating. Matter of fact, all the people who speak of Biblical dating, make me wonder what they base it off of. Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe there should be differences between Christians who date and non-Christians who date, but at the same time, should the emotions be different? I don’t think so.
I’ve found that when deciding where to set physical boundaries, it’s best to think of a time when you may have been to a majestic viewpoint. Many of them are elevated or are overlooking a huge downfall, cliff, or canyon. When you visit these places, you want to get as close to the view as you can, because it makes the experience that much more exciting, exhilarating, and gets you better pictures. But when you go, if they have a guard-rail, where is it set? Is it right on the edge? Of course not! Because if someone were to cross the rail or boundary, they would instantly die. They set the guardrail 10-20 feet back from the drop-off, so that should someone somehow accidentally go over it, the consequences aren’t near as great. I found that it was best to set my boundaries as far from the ledge as possible. And sure enough, I have overstepped the boundary, but thankfully, have not fallen off the cliff yet. I’m glad I gave myself room, because I’ve gone past the boundary so many times. Actually, I’ve often tried to get as close to the boundary as I can, because it’s there that the experience is the “best”.
To really understand physical boundaries, we must first have an understanding of what sex is. To do this, I read about the origins of sex, in the creation account recorded in the book of Genesis. Basically the story goes something like this… God creates the world, and on the sixth day, he creates Adam. God tells Adam to name all of the animals, and Adam does so. But when he finished, Adam was still lonely… there was no one like him and God sees this. It says in chapter 2:18,
“The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
And so, God causes Adam to fall into a deep sleep, takes a rib, and makes a woman… When God brings them together, Adam says,
“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, 'for she was taken out of man."
And within that statement, there is a sense of, “Finally! Someone like me! Ooh! And she’s pretty too!” I always wondered, did God make a mistake here? Did God not realize that Adam would not find someone suitable among the animals? Because God created us in His image, it seems clear that since God lives in community (Father, Son, and Spirit) that He created us for community. What was God thinking here? Maybe, He was waiting for Adam to realize his need, and once he did, God could then come in and meet his need. In the same way that God does not immediately kick Adam and Eve out of the garden, because he allows us to live out our lives, and waits to meet our need, the one He knows we have even before we realize we have a need.
Then God says an interesting thing that I’m sure you’ve probably heard at a wedding before,
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
And you know how they become one flesh? Sex.
What is this powerful thing that it can literally unite two flesh into one? It is the one of the most beautiful and intimate things that God created for mankind. It is something that can unite two people in a way that nothing else can. And it is much more than a simple physical experience. Bruce Waltke, who wrote a commentary on Genesis says, “A man and woman are never more like God than on their wedding day when they commit themselves unconditionally to one another.” (89) When I saw sex in this light, it became clear to me that sex is a present.
When I was younger, my parents would make us go to bed at 8 pm on Christmas Eve, and then tell me and my brothers that they were letting alligators loose in our house and if we peeked out and over the railing to the tree downstairs, that they would come get us. This worried me on many levels, especially when I had to pee. But when I did pee, I would just happen to “glance” over the railing and see the tree loaded with presents and think to myself, “those are for me!“ And they were, and there was nothing stopping me from going downstairs and looking at them, shaking them, maybe opening one and putting it back. But why would I do that? I would cheapen the gift. The surprise would be gone. Christmas would be boring.
In the same way, God has this gift for us called sex. It’s the best gift ever, what we’ve always wished for. And we can peek before it’s time, we can open it up and use it. But the gift is ours the whole time. God is not withholding sex, He’s waiting for the perfect moment. It’s like opening a container of glue before you need it. It’s better to wait until you need glue to open it, because it is at that very moment that glue is most sticky. Wait long enough, and glue won’t stick things together. Sex is the glue of a relationship. It’s the ultimate act of love as evidenced by the effects of sex (uniting two people into one flesh). God’s is simply waiting to give it to us when we are ready for it. But often times for me, I want it now… And from those who I have talked to who have opened this gift and used it, when it comes to their wedding night, it’s not as special, it’s not what it would have been, because we already know what the gift is. This gift is to be saved for your wedding night, that’s how God intended it, to bring two people together, but if you do this with many people, than it is hard to be exclusively with another person because you’ve given part of yourself to these people, because the glue is not as sticky.
But everyone, and I mean literally almost everyone has messed up in this area. You may not have had sex, but you’ve probably overstepped whatever boundary you set physically. It’s okay… That’s normal… That’s what God intended… for you to be physically attracted to someone and to desire this gift. Now please don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying it’s okay to mess up… I’m just letting you know that you’re not the only one and that, to some extent, it’s a normal part of dating someone. The question isn’t if and when it will happen, but more likely, what will you do when it happens?
In my relationship, I have screwed up several times physically. I would desire so badly for something pleasurable, to experience a part of this gift… to take a peek, and then put it back. Afterwards, I would always feel extremely guilty. What then? Most of the time, I try to simply fix the circumstance… I try to treat both my guilt and hers, by turning to encouraging Scriptures, doing things that take our mind off of things, and ultimately, trying to make both of us “feel” better. But what really needs to happen is for the problem to be solved. We need to address the issue. It’ll actually make it harder to talk about, but it needs to be done. You’ll probably feel even more guilty, but in the same way that it’s more comfortable to not remove the sliver, over time, things will get infected and ultimately, that simple sliver, if left unattended, will grow infected and kill you. How did I deal with the guilt of this mistake?
I remember watching the Olympics one night, particularly the gymnasts, and it was incredible listening to these commentators describe their runs. Every single word during the routine was negative. That’s because in gymnastics, you start with a perfect score, and then they take points away. Whereas in Basketball, you start with zero points, shots, blocks, steals, etc. and work your way up. I have always been a gymnast, I would see our relationship as starting out pure (or a perfect 10) and then every time I messed up, well, that was two-tenths of a point, or three-tenths of a point, or for a really big mistake, five-tenths of a point. I did my best, as many gymnasts do, to hide the mistakes from the judges (my peers) because I didn’t want them to know that my relationship that appeared to be a near ten was actually more like a six or a five or a two… But if I looked at things as a basketball player does, from the starting point, I can only go up. They even talk in basketball about how a really good shooter will have off-nights, and you know what he’s supposed to do on those off-nights? Keep shooting, because they’ll eventually begin to go in. He trusts his practice and ability to have the confidence to know that eventually he’ll make it. I think this is the mentality that I should have. That even in a huge slump, even when I mess up all the time, to keep on trying, and not trusting in my ability, or in my practice, but rather that God will pull me through it. It’s never easy, or fun, but it’s always worthwhile. Because in the same way that a shooter almost always breaks his slump with one of his best games ever, so also I have broken through a series of mistakes with a resounding victory.
One of the benefits to adapting a basketball style mentality is that you see others, not as judges who will deduct points, but rather people who can encourage you, who know that you can do it, and will help you face the criticism when it comes constantly looking to the future and your coming success. I was terrified to tell people, especially Christians, of Karen and my mistakes. See, I found that, when I did tell my friends, almost everyone of them were in the same boat. But none of them, especially me, wanted to say anything because we were afraid of what others would think when they learned that we weren’t meeting the standard of complete purity. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone in your struggle, that you are not alone, and to say that I found my greatest victories by allowing others to be a crucial part of my purity and to hold me accountable to the standard I want to set. And when I mess up, they aren’t there to mark points off, or look down on me, but rather, they are the ones, when I think there’s no hope, to encourage me that a victory is coming and that I simply need to trust God and hang in there.
Submission
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything… (Ephesians 5:22-24)
You may have heard this before at a wedding or read it yourself. It's a common verse that many non-Christians know as well, but what does it mean? I remember I once talked to my Father and was speaking about this concept of being the leader of the household.
(me) "Has there ever been a time when you had to make Mom submit to you?"
(Dad) "No"
(Me) "Why not?"
(Dad) "Anytime that your mom and I disagreed on something, I never moved without her."
(Me) "But isn't it your job to make decisions as the leader of the household?"
(Dad) "Yeah, but if I'm not hearing what my wife has to say, or if I'm making a decision she does not agree with, that's not a leader, that's a dictator…"
(Please note, not all of this was word for word, some was summarized, some was simply what I remember, but this way when my Dad says, "I didn't say that…" I can say, "It was the gist of what you said…")
He never made a decision that my Mom disagreed with… Wow, how many people, in a land where the divorce rate is so high, can say that? And yet, after this talk, my whole view of this passage totally changed. Let's read on and see what the responsibilities of the husband are.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. Ephesians 5:25-30"
As men, our responsibility is to be the head of the household, but it's with the final two verses of this chapter that we really see the mindset of how we are to lead.
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 'This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:31-33'"
You may have seen this verse before, about the two becoming one flesh, in the book of Genesis. But it's within that, that I figured out what my role as leader in a relationship and ultimately, someday, in marriage. We are to lead, but we are not leading for two people, but rather the one new person that has been formed out of the two flesh becoming one. How do we do this? Well, before I figured that out, I had to first look at my concept of leadership.
I love to lead, it's in my blood, but I think that for a long time, I have had the idea of leadership wrong. For a long time, I viewed it as me being in front, and many others walking behind me. In this model, we are all going somewhere together, and people completely trust me, and I am completely responsible. But as I grew older and led more and more, I found that this view worked well for me, but was met with mixed results because while I led well, I could not see the people I was leading and thus did not know what their needs were. And should a need arise, I was always unaware of it, because I was always focused on what lay ahead.
So, I rethought my idea of leadership and began a new leadership style. In this style, all of us were going somewhere together, but holding hands, so that no one was in front of the other, and so that the leader could clearly see and meet all of the needs of those around him. The problem with this is that there is no clear leader, and should a problem arise, it is not the leader who makes the decision, but rather the crowd majority, or those who are strongest, that decide what the group does. In the first model, I was in front and if I knew the problem was something we could overcome, I would lead on. But in this model, I have to convince everyone that we can do it. If I am unable convince them, then they will take me with them, and we will all fail.
Then I thought of a third way, a way where your vision is split between both the people you are leading, and the course that lay ahead. What if being a leader should be more like being a quarterback? See, a quarterback has a particular set of abilities, but he alone can not do everything, for if he could, why would he need or want anyone else? The quarterback capitalizes off of the abilities of all the others. Not everyone can be the quarterback, but without a receiver to catch the ball, what would the quarterback do? It is when everyone does what he or she is best at that the team is most successful. Think of it another way, the President is responsible for making the decisions of the country, but he does not understand everything about the military, nor does he understand the economy, foreign policy, or Homeland Security. So the President relies on the knowledge, abilities, and talents of others to make the decision that will best benefit the country.
As I was thinking, I realized that while the above are great ideas for what leadership in a general sense can be like, that leadership in a marriage is different. And once again, in talking to my Father, I found, what in my opinion, that there is a great illustration for what I want my relationship between the me and wife to be like. Up until the early 1990's, co-pilots did not do anything unless the captain, or the leader of the plane, died, got sick, etc. But in the early 90's, there was a plane that lost all ability to turn and steer. The only way they could control the plane was using the foot pedals to control the rudder on the tail, and use the throttle of the plane to control their altitude, but giving more thrust to raise their altitude, and less thrust to lower the plane. But for the first time in Aviation history, the pilot needed the co-pilot, for he could not do both of these jobs by himself, but together, they were able to safely land the plane and save everyone aboard. After this flight, it was required that every flight have a co-pilot, not just so that there was someone to fly the plane should something happen to the captain, but rather the co-pilot became a vital part of the airline crew. The co-pilot was to supplement the captain. Often the captain would focus on one problem or seek to accomplish one task, and often miss many of the other things going on around him, but with a co-pilot aboard, there were now two sets of eyes, ears, and talents in the cockpit.
When I went online and searched, here's what I came up with regarding the role and responsibilities of a co-pilot.
"The co-pilot, or the politically correct term First Officer, is the second in command (SIC) on an aircraft requiring two or more pilots. The co-pilot is fully qualified to fly and operate the aircraft and in most airline operations the Captain (PIC) and First Officer rotate pilot flying (PF) and pilot non-flying (PNF) duties every-other leg they fly. For instance the Captain may fly from Chicago to New York, while the First Officer runs checklists and works the radios. Then on the return to Chicago the First Officer will fly while the Captain runs checklists and works the radios."
Did you catch the part about how the co-pilot is just as capable of flying as the pilot is? See, in commercial airlines today, there are two pilots in the cockpit. And they fly the plane together. They share the workload. And when things get tough, the co-pilot and the pilot will fly the plane. Often in movies, I see the co-pilot will be the one to say, "Engine two is out" and then, "I think we should shut it down, but it'll mean we'll have to compensate, what do you think?" And together, they will make the decision. See, if an issue of making a decision that could potentially save or kill everyone on the aircraft, the Captain does have the ability to "pull rank" and say that they are going to do it his way, but in most cases, he would be foolish to do so. And so it is in relationships, the husband has the ability to "pull rank" and the wife is commanded to submit, but that misses why we have a wife in the first place. We would be foolish to "pull rank" to do it our way, because God created our spouse to be our co-pilot, to supplement us, and for both of us to fly the plane together.
I had a great conversation once with a friend who expressed that she greatly desired a man who would come into her life, would not be afraid to hold her accountable to the things she committed to, someone she could submit to. She wanted a "leader". But then I asked her, if, as a leader herself, she could live with that. We talked a little bit about the role of the husband and wife as described in Ephesians 5, and I came out of the conversation realizing that to be a woman who is gifted with leadership is a tricky place to be. The Bible makes it clear that men are the leaders, so is the woman who is a great leader supposed to submit, even though it goes against everything inside of her? To never use her gift of leadership? How do you reconcile this? If you are in a relationship where your girlfriend/ wife is much better at leading, then what?
I was greatly troubled by this concept of a woman submitting even when she may be the better leader, so I went and talked to another friend, from Moody, and she raised an interesting concept. What if there is a difference between Headship and Leadership? What if you can have a wife who is a great leader, but who submits to the head of the household? What if the wife serves the husband by leading where she can, but submitting to the husband when she knows it's God's will? What if she should be just like the co-pilot, trying to see things the captain doesn't see, and then offer a suggestion for how to solve the problem? Remember, men are called to be the head of the household, but in doing so, they will have to make sacrifices to ensure that the best for the household is constantly achieved. That may mean using your wife's ideas if they are best for the family. As I again looked at leadership, my Dad pointed me back to the Bible. See Jesus taught that the leader in a group was to be the greatest servant.
Jesus taught in Mark 9:33-37-
They came to Capernaum. When he was in the house, he asked them, "What were you arguing about on the road?" But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest.
Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all."
He took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms, he said to them, "Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."
Further, I can't help but remember in Ephesians 5, that again we are reminded to be in charge means we must serve. Remember guys, Paul commands us to love our wife like Christ loved the church, and if I remember correctly, Christ loved the church by serving it, and even dying for it.
See, what may have been intended, was that by the husband being the head, he is to be the one who are the example, the first to serve, the one who gives the most. My Dad told me that he has been recently working on the concept that in marriage, you aren't supposed to just give 50%... We're called, just as Christ did, to give 100%... to give everything… now please hear me out, if you constantly are giving everything, you'll burn yourself out… But this is the mindset I believe we are to have. We are to seek to give without thinking of what we will receive in return. Christ did.
And within this mindset, within this renewed idea of leadership, we find the true meaning of submitting. If you have a husband who is constantly seeking to be the greatest servant, to give 100% to his wife, to lead with the best interests of the body created by the two becoming one in mind, what wife would object to submitting to that kind of a husband? The struggle is to be the leader Jesus commands us to, but I believe that when we are, the wife will joyfully submit, and the marriage will function as Christ intended it to. See, it's not the idea of submission that needs to be re-defined, it's the idea of leading, of being the head, of being Christ. And when Christ made decisions, he made them with the best interests of others in mind, he did them in such a way that literally there was not even a shred of benefit for Him.
I'm not saying this will be easy… it probably won't always be possible, but it is a goal, a new direction, a mindset… This is what I've decided to strive for, and though I fail quite often, I hope that I will be this type of leader when I get married.
You may have heard this before at a wedding or read it yourself. It's a common verse that many non-Christians know as well, but what does it mean? I remember I once talked to my Father and was speaking about this concept of being the leader of the household.
(me) "Has there ever been a time when you had to make Mom submit to you?"
(Dad) "No"
(Me) "Why not?"
(Dad) "Anytime that your mom and I disagreed on something, I never moved without her."
(Me) "But isn't it your job to make decisions as the leader of the household?"
(Dad) "Yeah, but if I'm not hearing what my wife has to say, or if I'm making a decision she does not agree with, that's not a leader, that's a dictator…"
(Please note, not all of this was word for word, some was summarized, some was simply what I remember, but this way when my Dad says, "I didn't say that…" I can say, "It was the gist of what you said…")
He never made a decision that my Mom disagreed with… Wow, how many people, in a land where the divorce rate is so high, can say that? And yet, after this talk, my whole view of this passage totally changed. Let's read on and see what the responsibilities of the husband are.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. Ephesians 5:25-30"
As men, our responsibility is to be the head of the household, but it's with the final two verses of this chapter that we really see the mindset of how we are to lead.
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 'This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:31-33'"
You may have seen this verse before, about the two becoming one flesh, in the book of Genesis. But it's within that, that I figured out what my role as leader in a relationship and ultimately, someday, in marriage. We are to lead, but we are not leading for two people, but rather the one new person that has been formed out of the two flesh becoming one. How do we do this? Well, before I figured that out, I had to first look at my concept of leadership.
I love to lead, it's in my blood, but I think that for a long time, I have had the idea of leadership wrong. For a long time, I viewed it as me being in front, and many others walking behind me. In this model, we are all going somewhere together, and people completely trust me, and I am completely responsible. But as I grew older and led more and more, I found that this view worked well for me, but was met with mixed results because while I led well, I could not see the people I was leading and thus did not know what their needs were. And should a need arise, I was always unaware of it, because I was always focused on what lay ahead.
So, I rethought my idea of leadership and began a new leadership style. In this style, all of us were going somewhere together, but holding hands, so that no one was in front of the other, and so that the leader could clearly see and meet all of the needs of those around him. The problem with this is that there is no clear leader, and should a problem arise, it is not the leader who makes the decision, but rather the crowd majority, or those who are strongest, that decide what the group does. In the first model, I was in front and if I knew the problem was something we could overcome, I would lead on. But in this model, I have to convince everyone that we can do it. If I am unable convince them, then they will take me with them, and we will all fail.
Then I thought of a third way, a way where your vision is split between both the people you are leading, and the course that lay ahead. What if being a leader should be more like being a quarterback? See, a quarterback has a particular set of abilities, but he alone can not do everything, for if he could, why would he need or want anyone else? The quarterback capitalizes off of the abilities of all the others. Not everyone can be the quarterback, but without a receiver to catch the ball, what would the quarterback do? It is when everyone does what he or she is best at that the team is most successful. Think of it another way, the President is responsible for making the decisions of the country, but he does not understand everything about the military, nor does he understand the economy, foreign policy, or Homeland Security. So the President relies on the knowledge, abilities, and talents of others to make the decision that will best benefit the country.
As I was thinking, I realized that while the above are great ideas for what leadership in a general sense can be like, that leadership in a marriage is different. And once again, in talking to my Father, I found, what in my opinion, that there is a great illustration for what I want my relationship between the me and wife to be like. Up until the early 1990's, co-pilots did not do anything unless the captain, or the leader of the plane, died, got sick, etc. But in the early 90's, there was a plane that lost all ability to turn and steer. The only way they could control the plane was using the foot pedals to control the rudder on the tail, and use the throttle of the plane to control their altitude, but giving more thrust to raise their altitude, and less thrust to lower the plane. But for the first time in Aviation history, the pilot needed the co-pilot, for he could not do both of these jobs by himself, but together, they were able to safely land the plane and save everyone aboard. After this flight, it was required that every flight have a co-pilot, not just so that there was someone to fly the plane should something happen to the captain, but rather the co-pilot became a vital part of the airline crew. The co-pilot was to supplement the captain. Often the captain would focus on one problem or seek to accomplish one task, and often miss many of the other things going on around him, but with a co-pilot aboard, there were now two sets of eyes, ears, and talents in the cockpit.
When I went online and searched, here's what I came up with regarding the role and responsibilities of a co-pilot.
"The co-pilot, or the politically correct term First Officer, is the second in command (SIC) on an aircraft requiring two or more pilots. The co-pilot is fully qualified to fly and operate the aircraft and in most airline operations the Captain (PIC) and First Officer rotate pilot flying (PF) and pilot non-flying (PNF) duties every-other leg they fly. For instance the Captain may fly from Chicago to New York, while the First Officer runs checklists and works the radios. Then on the return to Chicago the First Officer will fly while the Captain runs checklists and works the radios."
Did you catch the part about how the co-pilot is just as capable of flying as the pilot is? See, in commercial airlines today, there are two pilots in the cockpit. And they fly the plane together. They share the workload. And when things get tough, the co-pilot and the pilot will fly the plane. Often in movies, I see the co-pilot will be the one to say, "Engine two is out" and then, "I think we should shut it down, but it'll mean we'll have to compensate, what do you think?" And together, they will make the decision. See, if an issue of making a decision that could potentially save or kill everyone on the aircraft, the Captain does have the ability to "pull rank" and say that they are going to do it his way, but in most cases, he would be foolish to do so. And so it is in relationships, the husband has the ability to "pull rank" and the wife is commanded to submit, but that misses why we have a wife in the first place. We would be foolish to "pull rank" to do it our way, because God created our spouse to be our co-pilot, to supplement us, and for both of us to fly the plane together.
I had a great conversation once with a friend who expressed that she greatly desired a man who would come into her life, would not be afraid to hold her accountable to the things she committed to, someone she could submit to. She wanted a "leader". But then I asked her, if, as a leader herself, she could live with that. We talked a little bit about the role of the husband and wife as described in Ephesians 5, and I came out of the conversation realizing that to be a woman who is gifted with leadership is a tricky place to be. The Bible makes it clear that men are the leaders, so is the woman who is a great leader supposed to submit, even though it goes against everything inside of her? To never use her gift of leadership? How do you reconcile this? If you are in a relationship where your girlfriend/ wife is much better at leading, then what?
I was greatly troubled by this concept of a woman submitting even when she may be the better leader, so I went and talked to another friend, from Moody, and she raised an interesting concept. What if there is a difference between Headship and Leadership? What if you can have a wife who is a great leader, but who submits to the head of the household? What if the wife serves the husband by leading where she can, but submitting to the husband when she knows it's God's will? What if she should be just like the co-pilot, trying to see things the captain doesn't see, and then offer a suggestion for how to solve the problem? Remember, men are called to be the head of the household, but in doing so, they will have to make sacrifices to ensure that the best for the household is constantly achieved. That may mean using your wife's ideas if they are best for the family. As I again looked at leadership, my Dad pointed me back to the Bible. See Jesus taught that the leader in a group was to be the greatest servant.
Jesus taught in Mark 9:33-37-
They came to Capernaum. When he was in the house, he asked them, "What were you arguing about on the road?" But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest.
Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all."
He took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms, he said to them, "Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."
Further, I can't help but remember in Ephesians 5, that again we are reminded to be in charge means we must serve. Remember guys, Paul commands us to love our wife like Christ loved the church, and if I remember correctly, Christ loved the church by serving it, and even dying for it.
See, what may have been intended, was that by the husband being the head, he is to be the one who are the example, the first to serve, the one who gives the most. My Dad told me that he has been recently working on the concept that in marriage, you aren't supposed to just give 50%... We're called, just as Christ did, to give 100%... to give everything… now please hear me out, if you constantly are giving everything, you'll burn yourself out… But this is the mindset I believe we are to have. We are to seek to give without thinking of what we will receive in return. Christ did.
And within this mindset, within this renewed idea of leadership, we find the true meaning of submitting. If you have a husband who is constantly seeking to be the greatest servant, to give 100% to his wife, to lead with the best interests of the body created by the two becoming one in mind, what wife would object to submitting to that kind of a husband? The struggle is to be the leader Jesus commands us to, but I believe that when we are, the wife will joyfully submit, and the marriage will function as Christ intended it to. See, it's not the idea of submission that needs to be re-defined, it's the idea of leading, of being the head, of being Christ. And when Christ made decisions, he made them with the best interests of others in mind, he did them in such a way that literally there was not even a shred of benefit for Him.
I'm not saying this will be easy… it probably won't always be possible, but it is a goal, a new direction, a mindset… This is what I've decided to strive for, and though I fail quite often, I hope that I will be this type of leader when I get married.
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