Here’s a chapter that I’m sure many can relate to… the issue of where to set physical boundaries in a relationship and basically the issue of sex. I remember as a kid growing up that sex took on the connotation of something that was bad. I had been taught that in marriage it is good, but since I wasn’t married it was bad. I also learned this of smoking and drinking. No one told me they were bad, but if you saw a Christian who was smoking or drinking or was sleeping around, then they must not have been a true Christian. Again, none of this was said, but it was an unwritten rule if you will. I get questions all the time from friends, kids in youth group, and I constantly ask myself, where do I set a physical boundary? And the first place I went was the Bible.
With the exception of saying that we are not to be unequally yoked, and that sex is for marriage, the Bible says virtually nothing about physical boundaries when it comes to dating. Matter of fact, all the people who speak of Biblical dating, make me wonder what they base it off of. Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe there should be differences between Christians who date and non-Christians who date, but at the same time, should the emotions be different? I don’t think so.
I’ve found that when deciding where to set physical boundaries, it’s best to think of a time when you may have been to a majestic viewpoint. Many of them are elevated or are overlooking a huge downfall, cliff, or canyon. When you visit these places, you want to get as close to the view as you can, because it makes the experience that much more exciting, exhilarating, and gets you better pictures. But when you go, if they have a guard-rail, where is it set? Is it right on the edge? Of course not! Because if someone were to cross the rail or boundary, they would instantly die. They set the guardrail 10-20 feet back from the drop-off, so that should someone somehow accidentally go over it, the consequences aren’t near as great. I found that it was best to set my boundaries as far from the ledge as possible. And sure enough, I have overstepped the boundary, but thankfully, have not fallen off the cliff yet. I’m glad I gave myself room, because I’ve gone past the boundary so many times. Actually, I’ve often tried to get as close to the boundary as I can, because it’s there that the experience is the “best”.
To really understand physical boundaries, we must first have an understanding of what sex is. To do this, I read about the origins of sex, in the creation account recorded in the book of Genesis. Basically the story goes something like this… God creates the world, and on the sixth day, he creates Adam. God tells Adam to name all of the animals, and Adam does so. But when he finished, Adam was still lonely… there was no one like him and God sees this. It says in chapter 2:18,
“The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
And so, God causes Adam to fall into a deep sleep, takes a rib, and makes a woman… When God brings them together, Adam says,
“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, 'for she was taken out of man."
And within that statement, there is a sense of, “Finally! Someone like me! Ooh! And she’s pretty too!” I always wondered, did God make a mistake here? Did God not realize that Adam would not find someone suitable among the animals? Because God created us in His image, it seems clear that since God lives in community (Father, Son, and Spirit) that He created us for community. What was God thinking here? Maybe, He was waiting for Adam to realize his need, and once he did, God could then come in and meet his need. In the same way that God does not immediately kick Adam and Eve out of the garden, because he allows us to live out our lives, and waits to meet our need, the one He knows we have even before we realize we have a need.
Then God says an interesting thing that I’m sure you’ve probably heard at a wedding before,
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
And you know how they become one flesh? Sex.
What is this powerful thing that it can literally unite two flesh into one? It is the one of the most beautiful and intimate things that God created for mankind. It is something that can unite two people in a way that nothing else can. And it is much more than a simple physical experience. Bruce Waltke, who wrote a commentary on Genesis says, “A man and woman are never more like God than on their wedding day when they commit themselves unconditionally to one another.” (89) When I saw sex in this light, it became clear to me that sex is a present.
When I was younger, my parents would make us go to bed at 8 pm on Christmas Eve, and then tell me and my brothers that they were letting alligators loose in our house and if we peeked out and over the railing to the tree downstairs, that they would come get us. This worried me on many levels, especially when I had to pee. But when I did pee, I would just happen to “glance” over the railing and see the tree loaded with presents and think to myself, “those are for me!“ And they were, and there was nothing stopping me from going downstairs and looking at them, shaking them, maybe opening one and putting it back. But why would I do that? I would cheapen the gift. The surprise would be gone. Christmas would be boring.
In the same way, God has this gift for us called sex. It’s the best gift ever, what we’ve always wished for. And we can peek before it’s time, we can open it up and use it. But the gift is ours the whole time. God is not withholding sex, He’s waiting for the perfect moment. It’s like opening a container of glue before you need it. It’s better to wait until you need glue to open it, because it is at that very moment that glue is most sticky. Wait long enough, and glue won’t stick things together. Sex is the glue of a relationship. It’s the ultimate act of love as evidenced by the effects of sex (uniting two people into one flesh). God’s is simply waiting to give it to us when we are ready for it. But often times for me, I want it now… And from those who I have talked to who have opened this gift and used it, when it comes to their wedding night, it’s not as special, it’s not what it would have been, because we already know what the gift is. This gift is to be saved for your wedding night, that’s how God intended it, to bring two people together, but if you do this with many people, than it is hard to be exclusively with another person because you’ve given part of yourself to these people, because the glue is not as sticky.
But everyone, and I mean literally almost everyone has messed up in this area. You may not have had sex, but you’ve probably overstepped whatever boundary you set physically. It’s okay… That’s normal… That’s what God intended… for you to be physically attracted to someone and to desire this gift. Now please don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying it’s okay to mess up… I’m just letting you know that you’re not the only one and that, to some extent, it’s a normal part of dating someone. The question isn’t if and when it will happen, but more likely, what will you do when it happens?
In my relationship, I have screwed up several times physically. I would desire so badly for something pleasurable, to experience a part of this gift… to take a peek, and then put it back. Afterwards, I would always feel extremely guilty. What then? Most of the time, I try to simply fix the circumstance… I try to treat both my guilt and hers, by turning to encouraging Scriptures, doing things that take our mind off of things, and ultimately, trying to make both of us “feel” better. But what really needs to happen is for the problem to be solved. We need to address the issue. It’ll actually make it harder to talk about, but it needs to be done. You’ll probably feel even more guilty, but in the same way that it’s more comfortable to not remove the sliver, over time, things will get infected and ultimately, that simple sliver, if left unattended, will grow infected and kill you. How did I deal with the guilt of this mistake?
I remember watching the Olympics one night, particularly the gymnasts, and it was incredible listening to these commentators describe their runs. Every single word during the routine was negative. That’s because in gymnastics, you start with a perfect score, and then they take points away. Whereas in Basketball, you start with zero points, shots, blocks, steals, etc. and work your way up. I have always been a gymnast, I would see our relationship as starting out pure (or a perfect 10) and then every time I messed up, well, that was two-tenths of a point, or three-tenths of a point, or for a really big mistake, five-tenths of a point. I did my best, as many gymnasts do, to hide the mistakes from the judges (my peers) because I didn’t want them to know that my relationship that appeared to be a near ten was actually more like a six or a five or a two… But if I looked at things as a basketball player does, from the starting point, I can only go up. They even talk in basketball about how a really good shooter will have off-nights, and you know what he’s supposed to do on those off-nights? Keep shooting, because they’ll eventually begin to go in. He trusts his practice and ability to have the confidence to know that eventually he’ll make it. I think this is the mentality that I should have. That even in a huge slump, even when I mess up all the time, to keep on trying, and not trusting in my ability, or in my practice, but rather that God will pull me through it. It’s never easy, or fun, but it’s always worthwhile. Because in the same way that a shooter almost always breaks his slump with one of his best games ever, so also I have broken through a series of mistakes with a resounding victory.
One of the benefits to adapting a basketball style mentality is that you see others, not as judges who will deduct points, but rather people who can encourage you, who know that you can do it, and will help you face the criticism when it comes constantly looking to the future and your coming success. I was terrified to tell people, especially Christians, of Karen and my mistakes. See, I found that, when I did tell my friends, almost everyone of them were in the same boat. But none of them, especially me, wanted to say anything because we were afraid of what others would think when they learned that we weren’t meeting the standard of complete purity. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone in your struggle, that you are not alone, and to say that I found my greatest victories by allowing others to be a crucial part of my purity and to hold me accountable to the standard I want to set. And when I mess up, they aren’t there to mark points off, or look down on me, but rather, they are the ones, when I think there’s no hope, to encourage me that a victory is coming and that I simply need to trust God and hang in there.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Submission
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything… (Ephesians 5:22-24)
You may have heard this before at a wedding or read it yourself. It's a common verse that many non-Christians know as well, but what does it mean? I remember I once talked to my Father and was speaking about this concept of being the leader of the household.
(me) "Has there ever been a time when you had to make Mom submit to you?"
(Dad) "No"
(Me) "Why not?"
(Dad) "Anytime that your mom and I disagreed on something, I never moved without her."
(Me) "But isn't it your job to make decisions as the leader of the household?"
(Dad) "Yeah, but if I'm not hearing what my wife has to say, or if I'm making a decision she does not agree with, that's not a leader, that's a dictator…"
(Please note, not all of this was word for word, some was summarized, some was simply what I remember, but this way when my Dad says, "I didn't say that…" I can say, "It was the gist of what you said…")
He never made a decision that my Mom disagreed with… Wow, how many people, in a land where the divorce rate is so high, can say that? And yet, after this talk, my whole view of this passage totally changed. Let's read on and see what the responsibilities of the husband are.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. Ephesians 5:25-30"
As men, our responsibility is to be the head of the household, but it's with the final two verses of this chapter that we really see the mindset of how we are to lead.
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 'This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:31-33'"
You may have seen this verse before, about the two becoming one flesh, in the book of Genesis. But it's within that, that I figured out what my role as leader in a relationship and ultimately, someday, in marriage. We are to lead, but we are not leading for two people, but rather the one new person that has been formed out of the two flesh becoming one. How do we do this? Well, before I figured that out, I had to first look at my concept of leadership.
I love to lead, it's in my blood, but I think that for a long time, I have had the idea of leadership wrong. For a long time, I viewed it as me being in front, and many others walking behind me. In this model, we are all going somewhere together, and people completely trust me, and I am completely responsible. But as I grew older and led more and more, I found that this view worked well for me, but was met with mixed results because while I led well, I could not see the people I was leading and thus did not know what their needs were. And should a need arise, I was always unaware of it, because I was always focused on what lay ahead.
So, I rethought my idea of leadership and began a new leadership style. In this style, all of us were going somewhere together, but holding hands, so that no one was in front of the other, and so that the leader could clearly see and meet all of the needs of those around him. The problem with this is that there is no clear leader, and should a problem arise, it is not the leader who makes the decision, but rather the crowd majority, or those who are strongest, that decide what the group does. In the first model, I was in front and if I knew the problem was something we could overcome, I would lead on. But in this model, I have to convince everyone that we can do it. If I am unable convince them, then they will take me with them, and we will all fail.
Then I thought of a third way, a way where your vision is split between both the people you are leading, and the course that lay ahead. What if being a leader should be more like being a quarterback? See, a quarterback has a particular set of abilities, but he alone can not do everything, for if he could, why would he need or want anyone else? The quarterback capitalizes off of the abilities of all the others. Not everyone can be the quarterback, but without a receiver to catch the ball, what would the quarterback do? It is when everyone does what he or she is best at that the team is most successful. Think of it another way, the President is responsible for making the decisions of the country, but he does not understand everything about the military, nor does he understand the economy, foreign policy, or Homeland Security. So the President relies on the knowledge, abilities, and talents of others to make the decision that will best benefit the country.
As I was thinking, I realized that while the above are great ideas for what leadership in a general sense can be like, that leadership in a marriage is different. And once again, in talking to my Father, I found, what in my opinion, that there is a great illustration for what I want my relationship between the me and wife to be like. Up until the early 1990's, co-pilots did not do anything unless the captain, or the leader of the plane, died, got sick, etc. But in the early 90's, there was a plane that lost all ability to turn and steer. The only way they could control the plane was using the foot pedals to control the rudder on the tail, and use the throttle of the plane to control their altitude, but giving more thrust to raise their altitude, and less thrust to lower the plane. But for the first time in Aviation history, the pilot needed the co-pilot, for he could not do both of these jobs by himself, but together, they were able to safely land the plane and save everyone aboard. After this flight, it was required that every flight have a co-pilot, not just so that there was someone to fly the plane should something happen to the captain, but rather the co-pilot became a vital part of the airline crew. The co-pilot was to supplement the captain. Often the captain would focus on one problem or seek to accomplish one task, and often miss many of the other things going on around him, but with a co-pilot aboard, there were now two sets of eyes, ears, and talents in the cockpit.
When I went online and searched, here's what I came up with regarding the role and responsibilities of a co-pilot.
"The co-pilot, or the politically correct term First Officer, is the second in command (SIC) on an aircraft requiring two or more pilots. The co-pilot is fully qualified to fly and operate the aircraft and in most airline operations the Captain (PIC) and First Officer rotate pilot flying (PF) and pilot non-flying (PNF) duties every-other leg they fly. For instance the Captain may fly from Chicago to New York, while the First Officer runs checklists and works the radios. Then on the return to Chicago the First Officer will fly while the Captain runs checklists and works the radios."
Did you catch the part about how the co-pilot is just as capable of flying as the pilot is? See, in commercial airlines today, there are two pilots in the cockpit. And they fly the plane together. They share the workload. And when things get tough, the co-pilot and the pilot will fly the plane. Often in movies, I see the co-pilot will be the one to say, "Engine two is out" and then, "I think we should shut it down, but it'll mean we'll have to compensate, what do you think?" And together, they will make the decision. See, if an issue of making a decision that could potentially save or kill everyone on the aircraft, the Captain does have the ability to "pull rank" and say that they are going to do it his way, but in most cases, he would be foolish to do so. And so it is in relationships, the husband has the ability to "pull rank" and the wife is commanded to submit, but that misses why we have a wife in the first place. We would be foolish to "pull rank" to do it our way, because God created our spouse to be our co-pilot, to supplement us, and for both of us to fly the plane together.
I had a great conversation once with a friend who expressed that she greatly desired a man who would come into her life, would not be afraid to hold her accountable to the things she committed to, someone she could submit to. She wanted a "leader". But then I asked her, if, as a leader herself, she could live with that. We talked a little bit about the role of the husband and wife as described in Ephesians 5, and I came out of the conversation realizing that to be a woman who is gifted with leadership is a tricky place to be. The Bible makes it clear that men are the leaders, so is the woman who is a great leader supposed to submit, even though it goes against everything inside of her? To never use her gift of leadership? How do you reconcile this? If you are in a relationship where your girlfriend/ wife is much better at leading, then what?
I was greatly troubled by this concept of a woman submitting even when she may be the better leader, so I went and talked to another friend, from Moody, and she raised an interesting concept. What if there is a difference between Headship and Leadership? What if you can have a wife who is a great leader, but who submits to the head of the household? What if the wife serves the husband by leading where she can, but submitting to the husband when she knows it's God's will? What if she should be just like the co-pilot, trying to see things the captain doesn't see, and then offer a suggestion for how to solve the problem? Remember, men are called to be the head of the household, but in doing so, they will have to make sacrifices to ensure that the best for the household is constantly achieved. That may mean using your wife's ideas if they are best for the family. As I again looked at leadership, my Dad pointed me back to the Bible. See Jesus taught that the leader in a group was to be the greatest servant.
Jesus taught in Mark 9:33-37-
They came to Capernaum. When he was in the house, he asked them, "What were you arguing about on the road?" But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest.
Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all."
He took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms, he said to them, "Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."
Further, I can't help but remember in Ephesians 5, that again we are reminded to be in charge means we must serve. Remember guys, Paul commands us to love our wife like Christ loved the church, and if I remember correctly, Christ loved the church by serving it, and even dying for it.
See, what may have been intended, was that by the husband being the head, he is to be the one who are the example, the first to serve, the one who gives the most. My Dad told me that he has been recently working on the concept that in marriage, you aren't supposed to just give 50%... We're called, just as Christ did, to give 100%... to give everything… now please hear me out, if you constantly are giving everything, you'll burn yourself out… But this is the mindset I believe we are to have. We are to seek to give without thinking of what we will receive in return. Christ did.
And within this mindset, within this renewed idea of leadership, we find the true meaning of submitting. If you have a husband who is constantly seeking to be the greatest servant, to give 100% to his wife, to lead with the best interests of the body created by the two becoming one in mind, what wife would object to submitting to that kind of a husband? The struggle is to be the leader Jesus commands us to, but I believe that when we are, the wife will joyfully submit, and the marriage will function as Christ intended it to. See, it's not the idea of submission that needs to be re-defined, it's the idea of leading, of being the head, of being Christ. And when Christ made decisions, he made them with the best interests of others in mind, he did them in such a way that literally there was not even a shred of benefit for Him.
I'm not saying this will be easy… it probably won't always be possible, but it is a goal, a new direction, a mindset… This is what I've decided to strive for, and though I fail quite often, I hope that I will be this type of leader when I get married.
You may have heard this before at a wedding or read it yourself. It's a common verse that many non-Christians know as well, but what does it mean? I remember I once talked to my Father and was speaking about this concept of being the leader of the household.
(me) "Has there ever been a time when you had to make Mom submit to you?"
(Dad) "No"
(Me) "Why not?"
(Dad) "Anytime that your mom and I disagreed on something, I never moved without her."
(Me) "But isn't it your job to make decisions as the leader of the household?"
(Dad) "Yeah, but if I'm not hearing what my wife has to say, or if I'm making a decision she does not agree with, that's not a leader, that's a dictator…"
(Please note, not all of this was word for word, some was summarized, some was simply what I remember, but this way when my Dad says, "I didn't say that…" I can say, "It was the gist of what you said…")
He never made a decision that my Mom disagreed with… Wow, how many people, in a land where the divorce rate is so high, can say that? And yet, after this talk, my whole view of this passage totally changed. Let's read on and see what the responsibilities of the husband are.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. Ephesians 5:25-30"
As men, our responsibility is to be the head of the household, but it's with the final two verses of this chapter that we really see the mindset of how we are to lead.
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 'This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:31-33'"
You may have seen this verse before, about the two becoming one flesh, in the book of Genesis. But it's within that, that I figured out what my role as leader in a relationship and ultimately, someday, in marriage. We are to lead, but we are not leading for two people, but rather the one new person that has been formed out of the two flesh becoming one. How do we do this? Well, before I figured that out, I had to first look at my concept of leadership.
I love to lead, it's in my blood, but I think that for a long time, I have had the idea of leadership wrong. For a long time, I viewed it as me being in front, and many others walking behind me. In this model, we are all going somewhere together, and people completely trust me, and I am completely responsible. But as I grew older and led more and more, I found that this view worked well for me, but was met with mixed results because while I led well, I could not see the people I was leading and thus did not know what their needs were. And should a need arise, I was always unaware of it, because I was always focused on what lay ahead.
So, I rethought my idea of leadership and began a new leadership style. In this style, all of us were going somewhere together, but holding hands, so that no one was in front of the other, and so that the leader could clearly see and meet all of the needs of those around him. The problem with this is that there is no clear leader, and should a problem arise, it is not the leader who makes the decision, but rather the crowd majority, or those who are strongest, that decide what the group does. In the first model, I was in front and if I knew the problem was something we could overcome, I would lead on. But in this model, I have to convince everyone that we can do it. If I am unable convince them, then they will take me with them, and we will all fail.
Then I thought of a third way, a way where your vision is split between both the people you are leading, and the course that lay ahead. What if being a leader should be more like being a quarterback? See, a quarterback has a particular set of abilities, but he alone can not do everything, for if he could, why would he need or want anyone else? The quarterback capitalizes off of the abilities of all the others. Not everyone can be the quarterback, but without a receiver to catch the ball, what would the quarterback do? It is when everyone does what he or she is best at that the team is most successful. Think of it another way, the President is responsible for making the decisions of the country, but he does not understand everything about the military, nor does he understand the economy, foreign policy, or Homeland Security. So the President relies on the knowledge, abilities, and talents of others to make the decision that will best benefit the country.
As I was thinking, I realized that while the above are great ideas for what leadership in a general sense can be like, that leadership in a marriage is different. And once again, in talking to my Father, I found, what in my opinion, that there is a great illustration for what I want my relationship between the me and wife to be like. Up until the early 1990's, co-pilots did not do anything unless the captain, or the leader of the plane, died, got sick, etc. But in the early 90's, there was a plane that lost all ability to turn and steer. The only way they could control the plane was using the foot pedals to control the rudder on the tail, and use the throttle of the plane to control their altitude, but giving more thrust to raise their altitude, and less thrust to lower the plane. But for the first time in Aviation history, the pilot needed the co-pilot, for he could not do both of these jobs by himself, but together, they were able to safely land the plane and save everyone aboard. After this flight, it was required that every flight have a co-pilot, not just so that there was someone to fly the plane should something happen to the captain, but rather the co-pilot became a vital part of the airline crew. The co-pilot was to supplement the captain. Often the captain would focus on one problem or seek to accomplish one task, and often miss many of the other things going on around him, but with a co-pilot aboard, there were now two sets of eyes, ears, and talents in the cockpit.
When I went online and searched, here's what I came up with regarding the role and responsibilities of a co-pilot.
"The co-pilot, or the politically correct term First Officer, is the second in command (SIC) on an aircraft requiring two or more pilots. The co-pilot is fully qualified to fly and operate the aircraft and in most airline operations the Captain (PIC) and First Officer rotate pilot flying (PF) and pilot non-flying (PNF) duties every-other leg they fly. For instance the Captain may fly from Chicago to New York, while the First Officer runs checklists and works the radios. Then on the return to Chicago the First Officer will fly while the Captain runs checklists and works the radios."
Did you catch the part about how the co-pilot is just as capable of flying as the pilot is? See, in commercial airlines today, there are two pilots in the cockpit. And they fly the plane together. They share the workload. And when things get tough, the co-pilot and the pilot will fly the plane. Often in movies, I see the co-pilot will be the one to say, "Engine two is out" and then, "I think we should shut it down, but it'll mean we'll have to compensate, what do you think?" And together, they will make the decision. See, if an issue of making a decision that could potentially save or kill everyone on the aircraft, the Captain does have the ability to "pull rank" and say that they are going to do it his way, but in most cases, he would be foolish to do so. And so it is in relationships, the husband has the ability to "pull rank" and the wife is commanded to submit, but that misses why we have a wife in the first place. We would be foolish to "pull rank" to do it our way, because God created our spouse to be our co-pilot, to supplement us, and for both of us to fly the plane together.
I had a great conversation once with a friend who expressed that she greatly desired a man who would come into her life, would not be afraid to hold her accountable to the things she committed to, someone she could submit to. She wanted a "leader". But then I asked her, if, as a leader herself, she could live with that. We talked a little bit about the role of the husband and wife as described in Ephesians 5, and I came out of the conversation realizing that to be a woman who is gifted with leadership is a tricky place to be. The Bible makes it clear that men are the leaders, so is the woman who is a great leader supposed to submit, even though it goes against everything inside of her? To never use her gift of leadership? How do you reconcile this? If you are in a relationship where your girlfriend/ wife is much better at leading, then what?
I was greatly troubled by this concept of a woman submitting even when she may be the better leader, so I went and talked to another friend, from Moody, and she raised an interesting concept. What if there is a difference between Headship and Leadership? What if you can have a wife who is a great leader, but who submits to the head of the household? What if the wife serves the husband by leading where she can, but submitting to the husband when she knows it's God's will? What if she should be just like the co-pilot, trying to see things the captain doesn't see, and then offer a suggestion for how to solve the problem? Remember, men are called to be the head of the household, but in doing so, they will have to make sacrifices to ensure that the best for the household is constantly achieved. That may mean using your wife's ideas if they are best for the family. As I again looked at leadership, my Dad pointed me back to the Bible. See Jesus taught that the leader in a group was to be the greatest servant.
Jesus taught in Mark 9:33-37-
They came to Capernaum. When he was in the house, he asked them, "What were you arguing about on the road?" But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest.
Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, "If anyone wants to be first, he must be the very last, and the servant of all."
He took a little child and had him stand among them. Taking him in his arms, he said to them, "Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."
Further, I can't help but remember in Ephesians 5, that again we are reminded to be in charge means we must serve. Remember guys, Paul commands us to love our wife like Christ loved the church, and if I remember correctly, Christ loved the church by serving it, and even dying for it.
See, what may have been intended, was that by the husband being the head, he is to be the one who are the example, the first to serve, the one who gives the most. My Dad told me that he has been recently working on the concept that in marriage, you aren't supposed to just give 50%... We're called, just as Christ did, to give 100%... to give everything… now please hear me out, if you constantly are giving everything, you'll burn yourself out… But this is the mindset I believe we are to have. We are to seek to give without thinking of what we will receive in return. Christ did.
And within this mindset, within this renewed idea of leadership, we find the true meaning of submitting. If you have a husband who is constantly seeking to be the greatest servant, to give 100% to his wife, to lead with the best interests of the body created by the two becoming one in mind, what wife would object to submitting to that kind of a husband? The struggle is to be the leader Jesus commands us to, but I believe that when we are, the wife will joyfully submit, and the marriage will function as Christ intended it to. See, it's not the idea of submission that needs to be re-defined, it's the idea of leading, of being the head, of being Christ. And when Christ made decisions, he made them with the best interests of others in mind, he did them in such a way that literally there was not even a shred of benefit for Him.
I'm not saying this will be easy… it probably won't always be possible, but it is a goal, a new direction, a mindset… This is what I've decided to strive for, and though I fail quite often, I hope that I will be this type of leader when I get married.
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