Cheapen

Here’s a chapter that I’m sure many can relate to… the issue of where to set physical boundaries in a relationship and basically the issue of sex. I remember as a kid growing up that sex took on the connotation of something that was bad. I had been taught that in marriage it is good, but since I wasn’t married it was bad. I also learned this of smoking and drinking. No one told me they were bad, but if you saw a Christian who was smoking or drinking or was sleeping around, then they must not have been a true Christian. Again, none of this was said, but it was an unwritten rule if you will. I get questions all the time from friends, kids in youth group, and I constantly ask myself, where do I set a physical boundary? And the first place I went was the Bible.

With the exception of saying that we are not to be unequally yoked, and that sex is for marriage, the Bible says virtually nothing about physical boundaries when it comes to dating. Matter of fact, all the people who speak of Biblical dating, make me wonder what they base it off of. Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe there should be differences between Christians who date and non-Christians who date, but at the same time, should the emotions be different? I don’t think so.

I’ve found that when deciding where to set physical boundaries, it’s best to think of a time when you may have been to a majestic viewpoint. Many of them are elevated or are overlooking a huge downfall, cliff, or canyon. When you visit these places, you want to get as close to the view as you can, because it makes the experience that much more exciting, exhilarating, and gets you better pictures. But when you go, if they have a guard-rail, where is it set? Is it right on the edge? Of course not! Because if someone were to cross the rail or boundary, they would instantly die. They set the guardrail 10-20 feet back from the drop-off, so that should someone somehow accidentally go over it, the consequences aren’t near as great. I found that it was best to set my boundaries as far from the ledge as possible. And sure enough, I have overstepped the boundary, but thankfully, have not fallen off the cliff yet. I’m glad I gave myself room, because I’ve gone past the boundary so many times. Actually, I’ve often tried to get as close to the boundary as I can, because it’s there that the experience is the “best”.

To really understand physical boundaries, we must first have an understanding of what sex is. To do this, I read about the origins of sex, in the creation account recorded in the book of Genesis. Basically the story goes something like this… God creates the world, and on the sixth day, he creates Adam. God tells Adam to name all of the animals, and Adam does so. But when he finished, Adam was still lonely… there was no one like him and God sees this. It says in chapter 2:18,

“The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

And so, God causes Adam to fall into a deep sleep, takes a rib, and makes a woman… When God brings them together, Adam says,
“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, 'for she was taken out of man."

And within that statement, there is a sense of, “Finally! Someone like me! Ooh! And she’s pretty too!” I always wondered, did God make a mistake here? Did God not realize that Adam would not find someone suitable among the animals? Because God created us in His image, it seems clear that since God lives in community (Father, Son, and Spirit) that He created us for community. What was God thinking here? Maybe, He was waiting for Adam to realize his need, and once he did, God could then come in and meet his need. In the same way that God does not immediately kick Adam and Eve out of the garden, because he allows us to live out our lives, and waits to meet our need, the one He knows we have even before we realize we have a need.


Then God says an interesting thing that I’m sure you’ve probably heard at a wedding before,
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
And you know how they become one flesh? Sex.

What is this powerful thing that it can literally unite two flesh into one? It is the one of the most beautiful and intimate things that God created for mankind. It is something that can unite two people in a way that nothing else can. And it is much more than a simple physical experience. Bruce Waltke, who wrote a commentary on Genesis says, “A man and woman are never more like God than on their wedding day when they commit themselves unconditionally to one another.” (89) When I saw sex in this light, it became clear to me that sex is a present.

When I was younger, my parents would make us go to bed at 8 pm on Christmas Eve, and then tell me and my brothers that they were letting alligators loose in our house and if we peeked out and over the railing to the tree downstairs, that they would come get us. This worried me on many levels, especially when I had to pee. But when I did pee, I would just happen to “glance” over the railing and see the tree loaded with presents and think to myself, “those are for me!“ And they were, and there was nothing stopping me from going downstairs and looking at them, shaking them, maybe opening one and putting it back. But why would I do that? I would cheapen the gift. The surprise would be gone. Christmas would be boring.

In the same way, God has this gift for us called sex. It’s the best gift ever, what we’ve always wished for. And we can peek before it’s time, we can open it up and use it. But the gift is ours the whole time. God is not withholding sex, He’s waiting for the perfect moment. It’s like opening a container of glue before you need it. It’s better to wait until you need glue to open it, because it is at that very moment that glue is most sticky. Wait long enough, and glue won’t stick things together. Sex is the glue of a relationship. It’s the ultimate act of love as evidenced by the effects of sex (uniting two people into one flesh). God’s is simply waiting to give it to us when we are ready for it. But often times for me, I want it now… And from those who I have talked to who have opened this gift and used it, when it comes to their wedding night, it’s not as special, it’s not what it would have been, because we already know what the gift is. This gift is to be saved for your wedding night, that’s how God intended it, to bring two people together, but if you do this with many people, than it is hard to be exclusively with another person because you’ve given part of yourself to these people, because the glue is not as sticky.

But everyone, and I mean literally almost everyone has messed up in this area. You may not have had sex, but you’ve probably overstepped whatever boundary you set physically. It’s okay… That’s normal… That’s what God intended… for you to be physically attracted to someone and to desire this gift. Now please don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying it’s okay to mess up… I’m just letting you know that you’re not the only one and that, to some extent, it’s a normal part of dating someone. The question isn’t if and when it will happen, but more likely, what will you do when it happens?

In my relationship, I have screwed up several times physically. I would desire so badly for something pleasurable, to experience a part of this gift… to take a peek, and then put it back. Afterwards, I would always feel extremely guilty. What then? Most of the time, I try to simply fix the circumstance… I try to treat both my guilt and hers, by turning to encouraging Scriptures, doing things that take our mind off of things, and ultimately, trying to make both of us “feel” better. But what really needs to happen is for the problem to be solved. We need to address the issue. It’ll actually make it harder to talk about, but it needs to be done. You’ll probably feel even more guilty, but in the same way that it’s more comfortable to not remove the sliver, over time, things will get infected and ultimately, that simple sliver, if left unattended, will grow infected and kill you. How did I deal with the guilt of this mistake?

I remember watching the Olympics one night, particularly the gymnasts, and it was incredible listening to these commentators describe their runs. Every single word during the routine was negative. That’s because in gymnastics, you start with a perfect score, and then they take points away. Whereas in Basketball, you start with zero points, shots, blocks, steals, etc. and work your way up. I have always been a gymnast, I would see our relationship as starting out pure (or a perfect 10) and then every time I messed up, well, that was two-tenths of a point, or three-tenths of a point, or for a really big mistake, five-tenths of a point. I did my best, as many gymnasts do, to hide the mistakes from the judges (my peers) because I didn’t want them to know that my relationship that appeared to be a near ten was actually more like a six or a five or a two… But if I looked at things as a basketball player does, from the starting point, I can only go up. They even talk in basketball about how a really good shooter will have off-nights, and you know what he’s supposed to do on those off-nights? Keep shooting, because they’ll eventually begin to go in. He trusts his practice and ability to have the confidence to know that eventually he’ll make it. I think this is the mentality that I should have. That even in a huge slump, even when I mess up all the time, to keep on trying, and not trusting in my ability, or in my practice, but rather that God will pull me through it. It’s never easy, or fun, but it’s always worthwhile. Because in the same way that a shooter almost always breaks his slump with one of his best games ever, so also I have broken through a series of mistakes with a resounding victory.

One of the benefits to adapting a basketball style mentality is that you see others, not as judges who will deduct points, but rather people who can encourage you, who know that you can do it, and will help you face the criticism when it comes constantly looking to the future and your coming success. I was terrified to tell people, especially Christians, of Karen and my mistakes. See, I found that, when I did tell my friends, almost everyone of them were in the same boat. But none of them, especially me, wanted to say anything because we were afraid of what others would think when they learned that we weren’t meeting the standard of complete purity. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone in your struggle, that you are not alone, and to say that I found my greatest victories by allowing others to be a crucial part of my purity and to hold me accountable to the standard I want to set. And when I mess up, they aren’t there to mark points off, or look down on me, but rather, they are the ones, when I think there’s no hope, to encourage me that a victory is coming and that I simply need to trust God and hang in there.