Defining Normalcy- Making Room for God and Others- What Normal Should look like in the first six months.
So you’ve made the decision. You’ve laid the foundation. You’ve taken the risk and it paid off. Now what?
I remember being here. She had just said, “Yes.” I wasn’t thinking about what to do next, I was just trying not to pee my pants. I was so excited that someone could like me. Guys, you have to agree with me, we’re gross. We try and hide this, but it’s true. I have yet to ever hear a girl walk out of a bathroom and be like, “Boom, I just destroyed that bathroom!”
But as the days and weeks passed, I found myself going through a number of phases. They are totally normal, but I wish, when I first started dating, that I would have been able to read a book that would be honest about what I’d experience. So, my hope is that the experience of others and myself will give you an idea of what to expect…
First, the phase I’ve seen virtually every person go through is something that has always been we just haven’t noticed it. It’s the phase where we put our best foot forward. Literally, we are so concerned about what we do around the other person that after spending time with them, we go home and over-analyze what has been said. We play it back through our heads time and time again until we come to the conclusion that the other person must think we are an idiot and if only we had stopped talking and not kept going and said… And literally, I’ve sat down with tons of students who are haunted by what they said and the impact they perceive it to have. Meanwhile, ironically, the other person is doing the exact same thing. Neither of you are even noticing the other person, we’re simply focused on how we’re messing up.
I do want to note here, it’s at this point that you will probably act the best you ever have. At this point, if you don’t normally, you’ll make sure you do take care of yourself, you will work out, you will spend time with God, you will respect your parents, because you are so concerned with what this person thinks of you that you will be on your best behavior in an attempt to convince them you’re better than you really are. This all comes from the lie that we aren’t good enough, which is not a thought that the other person is typically thinking. We can’t keep up with this type of living for long, but we try.
I have never seen a greater motivator on this earth than the opposite sex.
I remember within the first month of dating my now wife, I was actually spending time with God everyday, which I normally neglected to do. I remember talking with a good friend at one point and just talking to him about how it frustrated me that my motivation to spend time with God was actually coming from someone else and not from God. It’s sad, but my girlfriend at the time was one of the main reasons I was trying to improve myself.
This is completely normal, but just keep this in mind as it happens. The other person is not perfect, they are not instantly “the one”, and it’s only a matter of time before their true character will begin to shine. Spend enough time around them and they’ll show you greater glimpses of who they really are. Just be very cautious about making commitments at this phase because you really have no idea what the other person could be hiding. Allow the time necessary for this phase to run it’s course and then you’ll be better informed as to who you’re really dating. Time always brings clarity when it comes to a persons real character.
At the same time, once you start dating someone, especially if you have taken the time to really study this person, you’ll have this desire to constantly spend time with them, to the detriment of your other friendships. Unfortunately, we only have so much time on this earth, and as my Mom once told me, “there are three things as a teen that will require a bunch of time, having a car, a girlfriend, or a job.” Once you get a girlfriend, it is normal to begin spending more time with them than you did when you were just friends. But there is danger in neglecting your other friends.
I remember having several heated conversations with friends when I began dating. The first happened when my Dad just broached the subject that I wasn’t giving enough time to family and friends, I simply thought it was a trivial matter and didn’t take to heart what he was really saying. Then my friends began to bring up the subject and it came to a pinnacle one Thanksgiving. I remember clearly wanting desperately to spend even a few more minutes with my girlfriend, so I opted to miss my group of friends one annual event, the Turkey Bowl to stay one more night with Karen and spend a few more hours with her (at this point, we lived about 2 hours away). The next day, I got home and my friends were livid that I would neglect our tradition (it was the one time of year we all see each other and catch up). All except one friend basically were furious, and they had great reason to be. I was completely neglecting them and at my own expense.
It is normal to begin neglecting your friends, and truly, the further you get into a relationship, you will need to begin re-shuffling how you spend your time and who you spend your time with, but this is not something that needs to happen day one. It shouldn’t be something that happens day one. You need the same friends who gave their input as to whether you should pursue this relationship to stay involved in your relationship.
Whether we like it or not, we were not created to do life alone. I’m not just talking about needing a wife either. We need friends who have permission to hold us accountable for our own health. While my friends missed spending time with me and missed my input into their lives, I missed their input more. I didn’t realize it, but by isolating my girlfriend and myself, I was creating a potential disaster where no accountability existed. The reality is that this is not how God intended relationships nor life to be. As you are in this relationship, make sure to make time for friends, to sometimes say no to your significant other to make sure you maintain a healthy relationship with those who love you. Remember, at the end of it all, your friends and family are the ones who aren’t going anywhere. Like it or not, your girlfriend could dump you tomorrow.
Third, and I’ve thrown this in a few times, but I really want to emphasize it here, invite God daily into your relationship. Just as a relationship without human accountability leads to disaster, so also a relationship where God is not invited is. Remember when Adam and Eve ate the apple, when God wasn’t there. I’m not saying that if God is part of your relationship, everything will be perfect, I’m just saying that it’s wise, even day one, to invite God into the decisions you make, the boundaries you create, and to follow His lead for where this relationship is heading.
Proverbs 16:9 also has a powerful truth.
In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.
And later in Proverbs 19:21, the point is re-iterated.
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
We can literally do everything right and have it all not turn out. If we're not asking God's opinion and advice, we're planning a course on our own, but God is the one who establishes how we get there.
Inviting God into your relationship starts by making sure you’re maintaining your own spiritual health. You cannot have God be part of your relationship if He’s not part of your life first. It amazes me as a I talk to students, that they’ll literally search out everyone else they know as to how they should handle a particular situation within a relationship, except God.
Why is this?
I think it starts with the comfort that comes from talking with someone else. It’s difficult to feel like God is making a difference in a relationship when we can’t go talk with Him like we would our friends and family. “He can’t hug us or console us like others can,” one student once told me. The reality is that God knows everything.
Everything.
He knows far more complex facts than how your current relationship will turn out. He has a running tally of the number of stars in the universe. Knowing your relationship is easy. But He doesn’t impose, and we continue to wander in a general direction without asking for wisdom or advice from the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE.
“Jesus never dated” one student rationalized. “He has no idea what it’s like.”
While it’s true Jesus never dated, it’s not true that He doesn’t know what it’s like. He knows you intimately. He knows them intimately. He knows your future and theirs. Figuring out simple details is easy, but God wants to be a part of it with you. It’s part of how you and He get closer.
So I encourage you, as you go through these phases, do so with caution and patience. Don’t rush things, don’t make huge commitments, though it’s natural to feel like you should. Simply enjoy dating. It’s fun, it’s exciting, so have fun and be excited!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Laying the Foundation
How do you know when you’re interested in someone?
I mean sure, often there’s someone who has caught your eye, but how do you know when you’re really interested in someone?
What I want to talk about in this chapter are a few ideas, that when implemented correctly, I have seen eliminate many of the 2-4 week “flings” that take place on many junior high and high school campuses. You know, the ones where they like each other, start dating, love each other after 2 weeks, and then a week later one of them gets their heart broken and the relationship is over. And even though it’s a short relationship, so much has happened that often these can be the relationships that hurt the most and cause the most damage, because they feel like complete failures and they often propel you to find another person (sometimes anyone else) who will like you so you can feel good about yourself.
What I want to talk about is laying the foundation for a successful relationship.
When you build a house, one of the first steps is making sure you have a foundation. Paying for the foundation to be laid is one of the less expensive steps in comparison to the costs of the rest of the house. It also is one of the least time consuming. Most foundations are done in a week tops. But if you’ve ever worked with a foundation that wasn’t straight, it constantly leads to problems.
I have very little experience building, but what limited experience I do have comes from a mission trip to Romania that I took. We were tasked with taking a cement room and giving it walls, run electrical wires, plumbing pipes, etc. We began “framing” the room with walls and as we were getting to the final doorway of the final room, we put it in place, nailed down, and then realized that something was wrong, the door wouldn’t fit. We were off by 12 inches. Now for those of us who are less informed about all things construction, 1 foot is no big deal, but for those that do know a lot about building, 1 foot might as well be the grand canyon. We had to rip the wall out and it was only then that we realized that our assumption of a perfectly flat ground and a perfectly perpendicular wall was incorrect. The angle of the wall was less than 90 degrees, and thus, everything was off. The foundation of the house is one of the least expensive steps and yet can lead to an endless amount of money being constantly poured into the house to “fix-it” if done incorrectly.
Similarly, when we don’t spend the time needed to lay a strong, solid foundation in our relationships, they are doomed to fail from the beginning, the only question is how far along you will get before you realize things are crooked. And the farther you get, the greater the consequences. Most don't realize it, but what you do before you get in a relationship, in my experience, is probably the greatest influencer on its success.
Here's what I've seen some people do to lay a solid foundation that have led to healthy relationships.
First, be patient!
The average Junior High/ Middle School relationship lasts about 14 days.
14.
That means, on average, that if you start a relationship in Junior High, and on the same day purchase a gallon of Milk, your relationship will be over before the milk goes bad.
That's crazy. And I'm sure you know of people who have made it less than 20 days. What I've seen some do that is extremely effective is operate under a waiting period, especially if you're in Junior High or High School. I think, when applied, that if you just follow this one rule, it will dramatically change the way you date, dramatically reduce the risk, and greatly increase the length of the average relationship, whether in Junior High, High School, College, or beyond.
You ready for this? It's incredibly simple and yet incredibly profound.
Once you establish you like someone, and I mean really like them, then wait one month before you do anything.
One entire month.
30 days.
But that's far longer than the average relationship. I believe that simply doing this will often reveal if your interest in someone is genuine (you're interested in them for the right reasons) or simply based on a good experience (Like going to a dance together or spending time together at camp.) It seems strange but one great way to protect yourself and your heart is simply to wait a month.
Second, after waiting a month, get the opinions of your friends and family.
It may seem strange to consider asking your family's opinion, but often times your parents, even though they are old, have great things to say and definitely see things that you don't.
I remember when I was in High school and even in college, talking with my Dad about relationships and girls. He always gave me advice that I didn't want to hear. And He was always right. It was so frustrating to me that a guy who hadn't dated since Noah got off the ark, was somehow always right.
This is why I think God put being obedient to your parents as one of His top 10 Commands to follow. Whether you believe in God or not, it is almost always sound advice to listen to your parents.
Many students have come up to me and said, "But I have lousy parents..." and it saddens me that currently it is difficult to find parents who genuinely care enough about their kids to be involved in the life of their student selflessly. If you are a student with parents who are not good role models, I'm sorry. And what I tell students like this is find someone else, who you trust, and ask their opinion. Whether a coach, youth pastor, Uncle, Grandparent, just someone not from your generation. They have insight into things that you miss due to their experience and wisdom.
In addition, it amazes me how many students I know that do not ask their friends what they think. Why would you not want the opinions of everyone who you trust? It seems to me, you need to hear several opinions before you have enough insight to move forward with a decision.
Now don't judge me for what I'm about to tell you next.
When I was in High School, my best friend and me used to have "Spa Talks". He and I, after a grueling day of whatever sport, would go crash the hot tub at his house, and would literally talk about girls for sometimes 2-3 hours. These were some of my favorite memories, and he helped me navigate the waters of dating expertly, often seeing things I didn't and helped me avoid potential titanic moments.
I'm not trying to make the decision to date someone bigger than it needs to be, but what I do want to do is lay the foundation for making decisions in the future. My experience has shown that having the opinions of others often will help me protect my heart by not getting into relationships that will fail. And I can tell you, having made a pattern in High School of asking the advice of my parents and friends, that when it came time to marry my now wife, I went to them and asked them both what they thought. The process was already in place. It was not something new, I had been doing it for years. You may not think you need the advice of others to decide to date someone, but I'd bet you think you need the opinions of others when it comes to deciding to marry someone else. By laying the foundation, it sets the pattern for which you follow for the rest of not only your dating life but your married one too.
Third, when you have waiting patiently and have talked with others and have gotten the go ahead, then I think you should talk directly to the girl.
It amazes me how often we still do the elementary style "asking out" whereby my friend talks to her friend who talks to her. By the end of the day, everyone knows cause everyone was a part of the process. We'll talk about this more next chapter, but the final thing I've seen be a big influencer in the success of establishing a healthy relationship is quite old-school.
Fourth, when you both decide you like each other, guys, go talk with her dad.
This may scare you. It should! But, because this does not happen much anymore, there is no fear involved in dating a girl. God made girls to be protected by men, and the idea of her Dad being responsible for protecting her is extremely Biblical. Guys, you need to honor her by talking with her Dad.
I remember one of our neighbors named Joe told me a story about the first date with his wife. He showed up all dressed up to take her out, and when he knocked on the door, her Dad greeted him. They talked until she was ready to go and then the Dad shook Joe's hand and they left. But this handshake was no ordinary one. Instead the Dad concealed in his hand and passed a shotgun shell to Joe. So that night, when Joe returned, he shook hands with the Dad and gave him the shell back. This went on for some time until the day the got married when, one final time, the Dad gave Joe the shotgun shell. The funniest part was, it wasn't until the wedding day that this girl knew this had happened.
This may seem funny or scary to you, but I love that story and think it clearly illustrates the responsibility that should be understood. Our culture likes to laugh at this idea and thinks it's "old-fashioned" but it's something I've seen that greatly reduces heartbreak. It also dramatically reduces the likelihood that the guy is simply trying to "get in your pants" because now he is no longer just dealing with you, but also with your dad. Girls, it is essential that you require this happen. It's so important for whoever this guy is to understand that someone is watching out for you and that if he tries to do something to hurt you, that he'll be held responsible.
Finally, above all else, spend time praying about it.
God knows everything. By definition he must. But for some reason, we think that when it comes to dating, since it's not in the Bible, he has nothing to say. Look at what the Bible promises will happen when we involve God in our decisions.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)
Did you catch that? When we tell God our problems, He doesn't promise that they'll be taken care of or answered, he doesn't make them go away, but He brings something to the equation that is better, Peace. It says that this peace will guard our hearts and minds.
For those of you who have experienced it, great stress wreaks havoc on your body. But there's no reason to feel this, for God promises, in the midst of our stress, that He'll bring peace.
I encourage you, if you do nothing else, invite God into whatever phase of dating your currently in and let Him begin to direct not only your plans but your steps. I have seen this step alone be one of the greatest determiners of the success of a relationship. I don’t mean that if you get God’s opinion, your relationship will never fail, but rather, when people have legitimately put God first, they almost always leave the relationship having grown in a healthy way.
Once you've thought through these steps, then it's time to make a decision.
I mean sure, often there’s someone who has caught your eye, but how do you know when you’re really interested in someone?
What I want to talk about in this chapter are a few ideas, that when implemented correctly, I have seen eliminate many of the 2-4 week “flings” that take place on many junior high and high school campuses. You know, the ones where they like each other, start dating, love each other after 2 weeks, and then a week later one of them gets their heart broken and the relationship is over. And even though it’s a short relationship, so much has happened that often these can be the relationships that hurt the most and cause the most damage, because they feel like complete failures and they often propel you to find another person (sometimes anyone else) who will like you so you can feel good about yourself.
What I want to talk about is laying the foundation for a successful relationship.
When you build a house, one of the first steps is making sure you have a foundation. Paying for the foundation to be laid is one of the less expensive steps in comparison to the costs of the rest of the house. It also is one of the least time consuming. Most foundations are done in a week tops. But if you’ve ever worked with a foundation that wasn’t straight, it constantly leads to problems.
I have very little experience building, but what limited experience I do have comes from a mission trip to Romania that I took. We were tasked with taking a cement room and giving it walls, run electrical wires, plumbing pipes, etc. We began “framing” the room with walls and as we were getting to the final doorway of the final room, we put it in place, nailed down, and then realized that something was wrong, the door wouldn’t fit. We were off by 12 inches. Now for those of us who are less informed about all things construction, 1 foot is no big deal, but for those that do know a lot about building, 1 foot might as well be the grand canyon. We had to rip the wall out and it was only then that we realized that our assumption of a perfectly flat ground and a perfectly perpendicular wall was incorrect. The angle of the wall was less than 90 degrees, and thus, everything was off. The foundation of the house is one of the least expensive steps and yet can lead to an endless amount of money being constantly poured into the house to “fix-it” if done incorrectly.
Similarly, when we don’t spend the time needed to lay a strong, solid foundation in our relationships, they are doomed to fail from the beginning, the only question is how far along you will get before you realize things are crooked. And the farther you get, the greater the consequences. Most don't realize it, but what you do before you get in a relationship, in my experience, is probably the greatest influencer on its success.
Here's what I've seen some people do to lay a solid foundation that have led to healthy relationships.
First, be patient!
The average Junior High/ Middle School relationship lasts about 14 days.
14.
That means, on average, that if you start a relationship in Junior High, and on the same day purchase a gallon of Milk, your relationship will be over before the milk goes bad.
That's crazy. And I'm sure you know of people who have made it less than 20 days. What I've seen some do that is extremely effective is operate under a waiting period, especially if you're in Junior High or High School. I think, when applied, that if you just follow this one rule, it will dramatically change the way you date, dramatically reduce the risk, and greatly increase the length of the average relationship, whether in Junior High, High School, College, or beyond.
You ready for this? It's incredibly simple and yet incredibly profound.
Once you establish you like someone, and I mean really like them, then wait one month before you do anything.
One entire month.
30 days.
But that's far longer than the average relationship. I believe that simply doing this will often reveal if your interest in someone is genuine (you're interested in them for the right reasons) or simply based on a good experience (Like going to a dance together or spending time together at camp.) It seems strange but one great way to protect yourself and your heart is simply to wait a month.
Second, after waiting a month, get the opinions of your friends and family.
It may seem strange to consider asking your family's opinion, but often times your parents, even though they are old, have great things to say and definitely see things that you don't.
I remember when I was in High school and even in college, talking with my Dad about relationships and girls. He always gave me advice that I didn't want to hear. And He was always right. It was so frustrating to me that a guy who hadn't dated since Noah got off the ark, was somehow always right.
This is why I think God put being obedient to your parents as one of His top 10 Commands to follow. Whether you believe in God or not, it is almost always sound advice to listen to your parents.
Many students have come up to me and said, "But I have lousy parents..." and it saddens me that currently it is difficult to find parents who genuinely care enough about their kids to be involved in the life of their student selflessly. If you are a student with parents who are not good role models, I'm sorry. And what I tell students like this is find someone else, who you trust, and ask their opinion. Whether a coach, youth pastor, Uncle, Grandparent, just someone not from your generation. They have insight into things that you miss due to their experience and wisdom.
In addition, it amazes me how many students I know that do not ask their friends what they think. Why would you not want the opinions of everyone who you trust? It seems to me, you need to hear several opinions before you have enough insight to move forward with a decision.
Now don't judge me for what I'm about to tell you next.
When I was in High School, my best friend and me used to have "Spa Talks". He and I, after a grueling day of whatever sport, would go crash the hot tub at his house, and would literally talk about girls for sometimes 2-3 hours. These were some of my favorite memories, and he helped me navigate the waters of dating expertly, often seeing things I didn't and helped me avoid potential titanic moments.
I'm not trying to make the decision to date someone bigger than it needs to be, but what I do want to do is lay the foundation for making decisions in the future. My experience has shown that having the opinions of others often will help me protect my heart by not getting into relationships that will fail. And I can tell you, having made a pattern in High School of asking the advice of my parents and friends, that when it came time to marry my now wife, I went to them and asked them both what they thought. The process was already in place. It was not something new, I had been doing it for years. You may not think you need the advice of others to decide to date someone, but I'd bet you think you need the opinions of others when it comes to deciding to marry someone else. By laying the foundation, it sets the pattern for which you follow for the rest of not only your dating life but your married one too.
Third, when you have waiting patiently and have talked with others and have gotten the go ahead, then I think you should talk directly to the girl.
It amazes me how often we still do the elementary style "asking out" whereby my friend talks to her friend who talks to her. By the end of the day, everyone knows cause everyone was a part of the process. We'll talk about this more next chapter, but the final thing I've seen be a big influencer in the success of establishing a healthy relationship is quite old-school.
Fourth, when you both decide you like each other, guys, go talk with her dad.
This may scare you. It should! But, because this does not happen much anymore, there is no fear involved in dating a girl. God made girls to be protected by men, and the idea of her Dad being responsible for protecting her is extremely Biblical. Guys, you need to honor her by talking with her Dad.
I remember one of our neighbors named Joe told me a story about the first date with his wife. He showed up all dressed up to take her out, and when he knocked on the door, her Dad greeted him. They talked until she was ready to go and then the Dad shook Joe's hand and they left. But this handshake was no ordinary one. Instead the Dad concealed in his hand and passed a shotgun shell to Joe. So that night, when Joe returned, he shook hands with the Dad and gave him the shell back. This went on for some time until the day the got married when, one final time, the Dad gave Joe the shotgun shell. The funniest part was, it wasn't until the wedding day that this girl knew this had happened.
This may seem funny or scary to you, but I love that story and think it clearly illustrates the responsibility that should be understood. Our culture likes to laugh at this idea and thinks it's "old-fashioned" but it's something I've seen that greatly reduces heartbreak. It also dramatically reduces the likelihood that the guy is simply trying to "get in your pants" because now he is no longer just dealing with you, but also with your dad. Girls, it is essential that you require this happen. It's so important for whoever this guy is to understand that someone is watching out for you and that if he tries to do something to hurt you, that he'll be held responsible.
Finally, above all else, spend time praying about it.
God knows everything. By definition he must. But for some reason, we think that when it comes to dating, since it's not in the Bible, he has nothing to say. Look at what the Bible promises will happen when we involve God in our decisions.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)
Did you catch that? When we tell God our problems, He doesn't promise that they'll be taken care of or answered, he doesn't make them go away, but He brings something to the equation that is better, Peace. It says that this peace will guard our hearts and minds.
For those of you who have experienced it, great stress wreaks havoc on your body. But there's no reason to feel this, for God promises, in the midst of our stress, that He'll bring peace.
I encourage you, if you do nothing else, invite God into whatever phase of dating your currently in and let Him begin to direct not only your plans but your steps. I have seen this step alone be one of the greatest determiners of the success of a relationship. I don’t mean that if you get God’s opinion, your relationship will never fail, but rather, when people have legitimately put God first, they almost always leave the relationship having grown in a healthy way.
Once you've thought through these steps, then it's time to make a decision.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Why We Date
Why do we date?
You ever stopped to ask the question, “why”? It’s the most frustrating to me, because to answer the question “why” you have to give more than just the facts. I mean, you can respond to “who, what, when, where and how” with simple facts… For example,
“All the 8th graders (who), are getting together to have a swim party (what), this Friday (when) at the Robinsons (where) because their parents have a pool and a bunch of spaghetti (how).” But the moment you ask “why” people have to insert their opinion… “Because they want their daughter to get to know us…” or “Because they have food they want to get rid of,”. And while there is no right answer to the question “why” there are definitely wrong answers. But you can have two people answer the question “why” two completely different ways and still be right.
That’s really something I want to focus on for a second, it’s something I’ve come to understand, that there is no “right” way to date, but there are a number of “wrong” ways to date. That’s something we’re going to hold true for the rest of this book… So as we look at questions, if you come to different conclusions, that’s okay, as long as it doesn’t fall into that category of “wrong” ways to date, which I’ll do my best to mention as we go.
So why do you date? Well, having talked to some high school kids, here are a few reasons I have found that people date…
- It’s Cool/ Popular
- To Have Somebody
- To Have an excuse to do stuff with somebody
- It feels Good
- We want to have fun
- We want to feel loved and cared about
- We want to have sex…
But is there a deeper reason to why we date? I think there is. If you look at the first book of the Bible we read about the first man in search of the first relationship ever.
Genesis 2:18-22 says, “The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.
Here’s the deal, when God put Adam on earth, he was the only one of his kind, and thus lonely, and God knew this. Adam needed someone else… You can relate here, right? Especially guys reading this… You never do stupid stuff alone, you need your friends there to “dare you too”. You know that you can not run through a brick wall, and by yourself, you’d never try, but once you get together with your best friend, and he offers you $5 to do it, all of a sudden you begin to think you can run through a brick wall. And you know what happens next, you’re sitting in the doctors office with a broken arm and in the other hand, that 5 bucks you earned. And girls reading this, I know you can relate to being lonely because you can’t even use the restroom while out and about without another girl there to go with you… Let’s face it, we almost always wish to be with others, even if it’s just one other person there, we don’t like being alone. Now sometimes we do like to “get away” and be alone, but can you imagine doing this for more than a couple days?
Adam was bored, so God decided to find Adam “a helper suitable,” and he gave Adam the task of naming the animals in hopes of Adam finding one he could relate with… Can you picture this? Adam is sitting there, he’s looking at the animals… And there’s an angel, with a type-writer recording all the names… Adam looks at the angel and says, “Aardvark…” The Angel looks at God and says, “Aardvark?” That’s the Best he’s got? He doesn’t have anything better than aardvark? And then Adam looks at the angel and says, “and this one will be called an Anteater, but it’s going to eat termites…” And then finally Adam looks at the Angel and says, “This one will be a Echidna”. And the angel drops his head in disgust…
But Adam searches high and low, through every animal (and think how many that is…) and can’t find anyone to relate with… Can’t you see Adam, trying to find a friend? He walks up to a grizzly and slaps him on the back and yells out tag! Or tries to play hide and seek with a dog, but the dog always finds Adam cause of his sense of smell… and then Adam trying to relate to a cat, but the cat doesn’t care about anything other than itself…
And after searching, Adam finds nothing like him… nothing to relate to… so God then does something incredible… Check out the next few verses in Genesis…
Then Genesis 2:21-24
So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,’ for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
God causes Adam to fall into a deep sleep, and pulls a rib out of Adam and makes Eve. Can you image the feeling Adam had when he woke up and was introduced to the prettiest woman on earth (And this is not an exaggeration, there weren’t any others)? And with This, Adam has this sense of “finally”! Ever have that feeling? You go to school, work, church, you want a relationship, but you just can’t seem to find anyone that you really like. And then finally, there she is! Sitting in your science class! And you get that sense of, “Finally! I gotta get to know her!” This is how Adam felt only more so… He spent his entire life up until that point looking for woman and it wasn’t until that moment, when God presented Adam with Eve, with a helper suitable, with what Adam so longed for, someone he could relate to.
I think it’s important here to note that the reason God gave Adam Eve was because God could not fulfill Adam’s need for a helper suitable. This may seem weird to talk about, but have you ever thought about why God exists in a trinity? I think because, in the same way that Adam needed community, needed someone to relate to, needed someone like himself, we get that from God. God exists in a 3 in 1. This may be strange, but the point I want to make here is that God exists in a form of community. We are made in the image of God, in His likeness, (Genesis 1:26-27) so why would we think that we’d be any different? This need for another is God-given.
Please do let me be clear that this “need for another” does not mean we need to be married, but rather just that we aren’t made to do life alone. And while parts of the New Testament talk about it being better to be single, I just wanted to point out that often times, the feeling of “needing” others and the desire that you have for a boyfriend or girlfriend is completely God given, from the beginning of time.
Check out Genesis 2:18 again.
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
Like I said above, we need others, and this is how God created us. For many of you, that will manifest itself in the form of desiring a boyfriend or girlfriend, and that’s where our desire to date comes from.
So I ask you again, the same question I started with, why do you want to date? I think until you can honestly answer that question, you aren’t ready to date. And what I just presented isn’t the reason you date, it’s the history of our need for others. It shows that God created us to need each other, but why does that need to manifest itself in you dating the person you’re interested in? That’s a question you have to answer on your own, and I encourage you not to skip over it. Remember, the part of the house that’s important isn’t what happens when you start building, it’s how you start, with the leveling of the ground and the laying of the foundation. If you don’t do those right, the rest of the house will be messed up. So I encourage you to start by leveling the ground and laying the foundation for a great relationship by answering the question, “Why date?”
You ever stopped to ask the question, “why”? It’s the most frustrating to me, because to answer the question “why” you have to give more than just the facts. I mean, you can respond to “who, what, when, where and how” with simple facts… For example,
“All the 8th graders (who), are getting together to have a swim party (what), this Friday (when) at the Robinsons (where) because their parents have a pool and a bunch of spaghetti (how).” But the moment you ask “why” people have to insert their opinion… “Because they want their daughter to get to know us…” or “Because they have food they want to get rid of,”. And while there is no right answer to the question “why” there are definitely wrong answers. But you can have two people answer the question “why” two completely different ways and still be right.
That’s really something I want to focus on for a second, it’s something I’ve come to understand, that there is no “right” way to date, but there are a number of “wrong” ways to date. That’s something we’re going to hold true for the rest of this book… So as we look at questions, if you come to different conclusions, that’s okay, as long as it doesn’t fall into that category of “wrong” ways to date, which I’ll do my best to mention as we go.
So why do you date? Well, having talked to some high school kids, here are a few reasons I have found that people date…
- It’s Cool/ Popular
- To Have Somebody
- To Have an excuse to do stuff with somebody
- It feels Good
- We want to have fun
- We want to feel loved and cared about
- We want to have sex…
But is there a deeper reason to why we date? I think there is. If you look at the first book of the Bible we read about the first man in search of the first relationship ever.
Genesis 2:18-22 says, “The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.
Here’s the deal, when God put Adam on earth, he was the only one of his kind, and thus lonely, and God knew this. Adam needed someone else… You can relate here, right? Especially guys reading this… You never do stupid stuff alone, you need your friends there to “dare you too”. You know that you can not run through a brick wall, and by yourself, you’d never try, but once you get together with your best friend, and he offers you $5 to do it, all of a sudden you begin to think you can run through a brick wall. And you know what happens next, you’re sitting in the doctors office with a broken arm and in the other hand, that 5 bucks you earned. And girls reading this, I know you can relate to being lonely because you can’t even use the restroom while out and about without another girl there to go with you… Let’s face it, we almost always wish to be with others, even if it’s just one other person there, we don’t like being alone. Now sometimes we do like to “get away” and be alone, but can you imagine doing this for more than a couple days?
Adam was bored, so God decided to find Adam “a helper suitable,” and he gave Adam the task of naming the animals in hopes of Adam finding one he could relate with… Can you picture this? Adam is sitting there, he’s looking at the animals… And there’s an angel, with a type-writer recording all the names… Adam looks at the angel and says, “Aardvark…” The Angel looks at God and says, “Aardvark?” That’s the Best he’s got? He doesn’t have anything better than aardvark? And then Adam looks at the angel and says, “and this one will be called an Anteater, but it’s going to eat termites…” And then finally Adam looks at the Angel and says, “This one will be a Echidna”. And the angel drops his head in disgust…
But Adam searches high and low, through every animal (and think how many that is…) and can’t find anyone to relate with… Can’t you see Adam, trying to find a friend? He walks up to a grizzly and slaps him on the back and yells out tag! Or tries to play hide and seek with a dog, but the dog always finds Adam cause of his sense of smell… and then Adam trying to relate to a cat, but the cat doesn’t care about anything other than itself…
And after searching, Adam finds nothing like him… nothing to relate to… so God then does something incredible… Check out the next few verses in Genesis…
Then Genesis 2:21-24
So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,’ for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
God causes Adam to fall into a deep sleep, and pulls a rib out of Adam and makes Eve. Can you image the feeling Adam had when he woke up and was introduced to the prettiest woman on earth (And this is not an exaggeration, there weren’t any others)? And with This, Adam has this sense of “finally”! Ever have that feeling? You go to school, work, church, you want a relationship, but you just can’t seem to find anyone that you really like. And then finally, there she is! Sitting in your science class! And you get that sense of, “Finally! I gotta get to know her!” This is how Adam felt only more so… He spent his entire life up until that point looking for woman and it wasn’t until that moment, when God presented Adam with Eve, with a helper suitable, with what Adam so longed for, someone he could relate to.
I think it’s important here to note that the reason God gave Adam Eve was because God could not fulfill Adam’s need for a helper suitable. This may seem weird to talk about, but have you ever thought about why God exists in a trinity? I think because, in the same way that Adam needed community, needed someone to relate to, needed someone like himself, we get that from God. God exists in a 3 in 1. This may be strange, but the point I want to make here is that God exists in a form of community. We are made in the image of God, in His likeness, (Genesis 1:26-27) so why would we think that we’d be any different? This need for another is God-given.
Please do let me be clear that this “need for another” does not mean we need to be married, but rather just that we aren’t made to do life alone. And while parts of the New Testament talk about it being better to be single, I just wanted to point out that often times, the feeling of “needing” others and the desire that you have for a boyfriend or girlfriend is completely God given, from the beginning of time.
Check out Genesis 2:18 again.
The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
Like I said above, we need others, and this is how God created us. For many of you, that will manifest itself in the form of desiring a boyfriend or girlfriend, and that’s where our desire to date comes from.
So I ask you again, the same question I started with, why do you want to date? I think until you can honestly answer that question, you aren’t ready to date. And what I just presented isn’t the reason you date, it’s the history of our need for others. It shows that God created us to need each other, but why does that need to manifest itself in you dating the person you’re interested in? That’s a question you have to answer on your own, and I encourage you not to skip over it. Remember, the part of the house that’s important isn’t what happens when you start building, it’s how you start, with the leveling of the ground and the laying of the foundation. If you don’t do those right, the rest of the house will be messed up. So I encourage you to start by leveling the ground and laying the foundation for a great relationship by answering the question, “Why date?”
Saturday, January 30, 2010
The Introduction...
Dating… one of life’s most confusing subjects. Why is it, after millions of people have dated and gone on to get married, that dating is still so confusing? You may say that dating isn’t confusing, but I have to think that can’t be true if there are so many people with so many opinions. Go and type “dating” into Amazon and you’ll be confronted with approximately 300,000 results in the book section alone. Even celebrities and famous people are confused. We see some portray dating as getting 30 women together to all try for the heart of one man. And I’m sorry if this was offensive to those of you who are a fan of the TV show the Bachelor, but I can’t help but think this can not be a smart option.
Who do you turn to for dating advice when you need it?
Some turn to parents, others to friends, some to books, some just give up on the idea of dating, while others never had a desire for it in the first place.
It is because of this confusing that surrounds dating that I have decided to write. Not because I have any answers, but because I have experience, because I’ve seen and experienced the hurt that the confusion of relationships causes, because I’m convinced there is no one right answer, because I see the need, and because I hope, due to the mistakes of myself and my friends, that you and your significant other can learn and grow together, and hopefully avoid some of the road bumps we have hit.
I want to be up-front about this before we jump into things. I first want to address who this is written to. This is written to those who are confused and don’t know what to do, those who have given up hope, those who are successfully dating someone right now, and for those who are somewhere in-between. Maybe you both have feelings for each other but are afraid to move forward. Maybe you like a girl and aren’t sure whether she likes you. Maybe you’re afraid to commit. Maybe someone just broke your heart, and you’re done with dating forever. If you’re interested in dating, or have yet to be married, this is written to you.
So I invite you to not just start this book, but commit to finish it. I’ve started a lot of great books and about half-way through, found a book that seemed more appealing and started it. Literally, my book-shelf is full of books with various bookmarks in them, just waiting to be finished. I realize how ridiculous I sound, but I don’t think I’m alone here. And the funny thing is, having read half a book, I’ll talk about how much I was disappointed in it. That it just wasn’t as good as others said. But can you imagine if I did this in other areas of life? How I just didn’t feel like the superbowl was that exciting, even though I only watched the first half. Or maybe how depressing that James Bond film was, even though I only watched til he was captured by the bad guy. I challenge you to finish this book completely, and to not make judgments until you do so.
One final thing, this book is not an answer to your problems. It may help you identify a problem, or maybe even work through a particular problem, but please don’t think that simply by reading this book, you’ll instantly be cured of your dating frustration, meet the perfect guy or girl, and get married shortly thereafter. I wrote this book because I found that all the dating books I read didn’t have the answer, and this book is no different.
So currently in one of two boats.
1. You’re single… if you are, then I invite you to enjoy what follows, but I do have a favor to ask… I ask that you read this book and simply compare what I say with what you think. And I give you permission to disagree. I welcome it. The point of this isn’t to tell you how to date, but rather to offer perspective on dating.
2. You’re dating someone, and if you have a significant other, I invite you to read this together and talk about it along the way. One of the best things a couple can do is read through a book together and talk about it. Read what I say and compare it to how you’re doing things. I also invite you to disagree, but don’t just disagree and move on, talk about what makes you disagree and figure out what you do agree on then.
So that’s pretty much it! I’m excited you’re embarking on this journey with me… So turn the page and get ready to think, laugh at my mistakes, cry when I talk about issues that hurt, and talk about what follows with others as you tweak your view of what dating should be or maybe think about it for the first time. Here we go!
Who do you turn to for dating advice when you need it?
Some turn to parents, others to friends, some to books, some just give up on the idea of dating, while others never had a desire for it in the first place.
It is because of this confusing that surrounds dating that I have decided to write. Not because I have any answers, but because I have experience, because I’ve seen and experienced the hurt that the confusion of relationships causes, because I’m convinced there is no one right answer, because I see the need, and because I hope, due to the mistakes of myself and my friends, that you and your significant other can learn and grow together, and hopefully avoid some of the road bumps we have hit.
I want to be up-front about this before we jump into things. I first want to address who this is written to. This is written to those who are confused and don’t know what to do, those who have given up hope, those who are successfully dating someone right now, and for those who are somewhere in-between. Maybe you both have feelings for each other but are afraid to move forward. Maybe you like a girl and aren’t sure whether she likes you. Maybe you’re afraid to commit. Maybe someone just broke your heart, and you’re done with dating forever. If you’re interested in dating, or have yet to be married, this is written to you.
So I invite you to not just start this book, but commit to finish it. I’ve started a lot of great books and about half-way through, found a book that seemed more appealing and started it. Literally, my book-shelf is full of books with various bookmarks in them, just waiting to be finished. I realize how ridiculous I sound, but I don’t think I’m alone here. And the funny thing is, having read half a book, I’ll talk about how much I was disappointed in it. That it just wasn’t as good as others said. But can you imagine if I did this in other areas of life? How I just didn’t feel like the superbowl was that exciting, even though I only watched the first half. Or maybe how depressing that James Bond film was, even though I only watched til he was captured by the bad guy. I challenge you to finish this book completely, and to not make judgments until you do so.
One final thing, this book is not an answer to your problems. It may help you identify a problem, or maybe even work through a particular problem, but please don’t think that simply by reading this book, you’ll instantly be cured of your dating frustration, meet the perfect guy or girl, and get married shortly thereafter. I wrote this book because I found that all the dating books I read didn’t have the answer, and this book is no different.
So currently in one of two boats.
1. You’re single… if you are, then I invite you to enjoy what follows, but I do have a favor to ask… I ask that you read this book and simply compare what I say with what you think. And I give you permission to disagree. I welcome it. The point of this isn’t to tell you how to date, but rather to offer perspective on dating.
2. You’re dating someone, and if you have a significant other, I invite you to read this together and talk about it along the way. One of the best things a couple can do is read through a book together and talk about it. Read what I say and compare it to how you’re doing things. I also invite you to disagree, but don’t just disagree and move on, talk about what makes you disagree and figure out what you do agree on then.
So that’s pretty much it! I’m excited you’re embarking on this journey with me… So turn the page and get ready to think, laugh at my mistakes, cry when I talk about issues that hurt, and talk about what follows with others as you tweak your view of what dating should be or maybe think about it for the first time. Here we go!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Getting Over a Break-up
Getting over a break up…
People always say…”move on…find someone better…he is not the best…if it is meant to be it will be…you need this time to be single…now you have room to grow…just date around…have fun”…fill in the rest.
Depending on the situation, many of those suggestions may be true. But that does not make it any easier. I would like to share with you about a time in my life when I had to “get over” a break up. Take from it what you want…it is not suggestions…just my story.
In college, I was set up on a blind date by my old high school youth pastor. The boys name was Nick. He was in the worship band, cute, nice, and highly recommended. The date went great. He was amazing. After about a month of getting to know one another, we became “boyfriend and girlfriend.” Everything was perfect, all the time. He was my best friend. I thought he was “the one.” We had even talked about getting married. About five months into dating, we worked for a Christian summer camp together. When we finished serving for the summer, we went back to my house to visit my family. That night, he broke up with me. He told me that he did not know what to do and was overwhelmed. A few hours later I got a phone call from my old youth pastor saying that Nick had come visit him. Nick had told him that he was upset because he was having family issues and that he had taken it out on me. I was heart-broken for him, but relieved that he did not really want to break up. The next day, Nick came by to see me. He finalized the break up and said he was too overwhelmed. I was devastated, but hopeful. I wrote him a letter telling him that I was here for him, would never leave him, and wanted to be with him. He never responded.
I would like to tell you that a month later, he came back. We had both grown and were better for it. We fell back in love and to this day are happily married. But that is not the case. We never talked again. He married another girl about a year later.
I would also like to tell you that I trusted God and had stopped crying after a week. I would like to tell you that I realized he was a bad guy and was happy we broke up. I would like to tell you that I found someone better right away. But all this is not true.
I cried everyday for two months. Yes, two months. Then I cried about once a week for another month. I cried on the way to school, between classes, at work, and to sleep. He was all I wanted and thought about. I was mad at God. I did not understand how God could let this happen. I was mad that God did not bless us for working at a camp serving Him. I did not understand why people were not reaching out to him. I did not understand why God did not work it out for us. I was so upset that my parents began to get worried for me and had me see a psychologist. At times, I wondered if something was wrong with me. But nothing was. I was just sad. Despite everyone’s efforts, it seemed like nothing helped. I cried for three months, and it took me about six months before I even thought another boy was cute.
You must be thinking…WOW. And that is all one can say to express how upset I was and to express how long it took me to move on. So how did I move on? What caused me to finally date again?
Good question! I still to this day wonder how I moved on.
One thing I remember doing is never giving up on God. No matter how mad I was at Him, I always told Him. I always prayed for help. I always read my Bible with tears streaming down my face. One night, when I was particularly upset, I went outside in my backyard at two in the morning and read my Bible until five in the morning. Through everything, I never gave up pursuing God even though I was mad.
Second thing I did was to serve God in youth ministry. I began helping with the high school at my church. I slowly saw how God was using my experiences to help others. I saw that there was so much more to life than me. I very slowly began to realize how God saw the whole picture when I did not. Other issues began to be revealed about Nick through his family and my friends. Others saw what I could not while I was “in love” with him.
Thirdly, I sought after Godly council. I am not talking about my peers. My dad became my best friend. I told him everything, and he was there for me. My mom always encouraged me and took me shopping. I talked with my youth pastor’s wife. I talked to my mentor. I got to hear about their dating troubles when they were my age and the ending results. I realized I was not alone in heartbreak and disappointment, and yet, they had found true love in someone else.
Another thing that helped me to move on was doing nothing. I let myself cry and not date anyone else. I did not want anyone else, so why date? I turned down guys because I was not interested in them. And I do not regret it at all. I eventually found someone I was interested in and wanted to date.
I am happy that I do get to tell you that I moved on. I started dating someone about a year and a half after Nick and I broke up. I never think about Nick. I don’t even care to know what happened. I don’t ever miss him. There is not an ounce in me that cares about the situation. And believe me, I had a broken heart, more than anyone I have ever talked to.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
If you are in a situation similar to mine, I would like to share with you some of the phases that I went through as well as some of the things that I continued to remember during the moving on process.
Phase 1: SHOCK
This did not happen. What?! It will be back to normal tomorrow. I am sad, but not that sad. This will work itself out.
Phase 2: SADNESS
It is over and this is the worse thing that could have ever happened in my life. I am alone. I am devastated. No one understands how I feel.
Phase 3: ANGER
How could he have done this? Why won’t he work it out? He lied and never really loved me! I hate him and never want to see him again.
Phase 4: HOPE
Maybe I judge him too hard? Maybe I was wrong? Should I try to get him back?
Followed by phase 2, 3, 4, and then phase 2, 3, and 4
Phase 5: ACCEPTANCE
This happened. It sucks. I still hope it works out but must let it go. Trust that better will come, either in the form of a surprise change in the ex down the road or another person that is better for me.
My grandma gave me some advice once that I thought was very wise…”Wait around for the ex until you meet someone better and you don’t want to wait anymore.” Naturally, you will move on. You don’t have to force it.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
I would also like to give you some verses and sayings that I quoted to myself that helped me to sleep at night.
“Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”
“The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it.”
“God knows the desires of my heart and has the best in mind for me.”
“If it is not him, then that means there is better out there for me.”
“Greater is He who is in me, than He who is in the world.”
I know that it is hard. It feels like life is not as fun or as special. I know it feels like you have nothing. But remember that God sees the entire picture while all you can see is one piece of the puzzle. He has your best interests at heart. While you think and believe that the person you lost is the “one” please trust that if that is the case, God will bring them back regardless if you wait around crying or not. And if that person is not “the one” then trust that God has better than you can imagine.
I told you that I would just share my story and not give you any suggestions, but I do have one for you. Pursue God.
People always say…”move on…find someone better…he is not the best…if it is meant to be it will be…you need this time to be single…now you have room to grow…just date around…have fun”…fill in the rest.
Depending on the situation, many of those suggestions may be true. But that does not make it any easier. I would like to share with you about a time in my life when I had to “get over” a break up. Take from it what you want…it is not suggestions…just my story.
In college, I was set up on a blind date by my old high school youth pastor. The boys name was Nick. He was in the worship band, cute, nice, and highly recommended. The date went great. He was amazing. After about a month of getting to know one another, we became “boyfriend and girlfriend.” Everything was perfect, all the time. He was my best friend. I thought he was “the one.” We had even talked about getting married. About five months into dating, we worked for a Christian summer camp together. When we finished serving for the summer, we went back to my house to visit my family. That night, he broke up with me. He told me that he did not know what to do and was overwhelmed. A few hours later I got a phone call from my old youth pastor saying that Nick had come visit him. Nick had told him that he was upset because he was having family issues and that he had taken it out on me. I was heart-broken for him, but relieved that he did not really want to break up. The next day, Nick came by to see me. He finalized the break up and said he was too overwhelmed. I was devastated, but hopeful. I wrote him a letter telling him that I was here for him, would never leave him, and wanted to be with him. He never responded.
I would like to tell you that a month later, he came back. We had both grown and were better for it. We fell back in love and to this day are happily married. But that is not the case. We never talked again. He married another girl about a year later.
I would also like to tell you that I trusted God and had stopped crying after a week. I would like to tell you that I realized he was a bad guy and was happy we broke up. I would like to tell you that I found someone better right away. But all this is not true.
I cried everyday for two months. Yes, two months. Then I cried about once a week for another month. I cried on the way to school, between classes, at work, and to sleep. He was all I wanted and thought about. I was mad at God. I did not understand how God could let this happen. I was mad that God did not bless us for working at a camp serving Him. I did not understand why people were not reaching out to him. I did not understand why God did not work it out for us. I was so upset that my parents began to get worried for me and had me see a psychologist. At times, I wondered if something was wrong with me. But nothing was. I was just sad. Despite everyone’s efforts, it seemed like nothing helped. I cried for three months, and it took me about six months before I even thought another boy was cute.
You must be thinking…WOW. And that is all one can say to express how upset I was and to express how long it took me to move on. So how did I move on? What caused me to finally date again?
Good question! I still to this day wonder how I moved on.
One thing I remember doing is never giving up on God. No matter how mad I was at Him, I always told Him. I always prayed for help. I always read my Bible with tears streaming down my face. One night, when I was particularly upset, I went outside in my backyard at two in the morning and read my Bible until five in the morning. Through everything, I never gave up pursuing God even though I was mad.
Second thing I did was to serve God in youth ministry. I began helping with the high school at my church. I slowly saw how God was using my experiences to help others. I saw that there was so much more to life than me. I very slowly began to realize how God saw the whole picture when I did not. Other issues began to be revealed about Nick through his family and my friends. Others saw what I could not while I was “in love” with him.
Thirdly, I sought after Godly council. I am not talking about my peers. My dad became my best friend. I told him everything, and he was there for me. My mom always encouraged me and took me shopping. I talked with my youth pastor’s wife. I talked to my mentor. I got to hear about their dating troubles when they were my age and the ending results. I realized I was not alone in heartbreak and disappointment, and yet, they had found true love in someone else.
Another thing that helped me to move on was doing nothing. I let myself cry and not date anyone else. I did not want anyone else, so why date? I turned down guys because I was not interested in them. And I do not regret it at all. I eventually found someone I was interested in and wanted to date.
I am happy that I do get to tell you that I moved on. I started dating someone about a year and a half after Nick and I broke up. I never think about Nick. I don’t even care to know what happened. I don’t ever miss him. There is not an ounce in me that cares about the situation. And believe me, I had a broken heart, more than anyone I have ever talked to.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
If you are in a situation similar to mine, I would like to share with you some of the phases that I went through as well as some of the things that I continued to remember during the moving on process.
Phase 1: SHOCK
This did not happen. What?! It will be back to normal tomorrow. I am sad, but not that sad. This will work itself out.
Phase 2: SADNESS
It is over and this is the worse thing that could have ever happened in my life. I am alone. I am devastated. No one understands how I feel.
Phase 3: ANGER
How could he have done this? Why won’t he work it out? He lied and never really loved me! I hate him and never want to see him again.
Phase 4: HOPE
Maybe I judge him too hard? Maybe I was wrong? Should I try to get him back?
Followed by phase 2, 3, 4, and then phase 2, 3, and 4
Phase 5: ACCEPTANCE
This happened. It sucks. I still hope it works out but must let it go. Trust that better will come, either in the form of a surprise change in the ex down the road or another person that is better for me.
My grandma gave me some advice once that I thought was very wise…”Wait around for the ex until you meet someone better and you don’t want to wait anymore.” Naturally, you will move on. You don’t have to force it.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
I would also like to give you some verses and sayings that I quoted to myself that helped me to sleep at night.
“Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”
“The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it.”
“God knows the desires of my heart and has the best in mind for me.”
“If it is not him, then that means there is better out there for me.”
“Greater is He who is in me, than He who is in the world.”
I know that it is hard. It feels like life is not as fun or as special. I know it feels like you have nothing. But remember that God sees the entire picture while all you can see is one piece of the puzzle. He has your best interests at heart. While you think and believe that the person you lost is the “one” please trust that if that is the case, God will bring them back regardless if you wait around crying or not. And if that person is not “the one” then trust that God has better than you can imagine.
I told you that I would just share my story and not give you any suggestions, but I do have one for you. Pursue God.
Carrying the Cross of Christ
Carrying the Cross of Christ…
Regret…hope…uncertainty…desire…my will…God’s will…all these mixed emotions and thoughts run through my mind a month and a half after breaking up with my boyfriend of almost two years. Throughout my life growing up as a Christian, I often heard the term “unequally yoked” thrown around when talking about dating. I always heard the advice about not dating a non-Christian. And to be honest, that advice is obvious and easy to follow. Almost like “duh.”
But what happens when you begin dating a strong Christian with potential, but he loses his passion and desire for the Lord? What happens when you have dated someone for two years and God is first in your life but fourth in his? How long do you give them to get “right” with God? Does it matter because at least they have the same religion? What do you do when you think they will be “right” with God in a couple of years?
I have no idea. I decided to end my relationship. To be completely honest, I thought ending it would fix it. I assumed my breaking up with him would cause him to search for God. As I sit a month and half later with no boyfriend, I am filled with the many emotions listed above.
I have come to realize that this is part of bearing the Cross of Christ. Quite often when we hear that phrase we assume it means being persecuted or dying for your faith. But I believe it means breaking up with someone you love because Christ is not the center of their life. Do not confuse this with using God as an excuse to end a relationship. Do not use God as a cop out. It is a completely different situation to give something up you want for the sake of Christ. And it is not easy. I cried myself to sleep many nights because I was sad and lonely. Everyone around me seemed happy, and God was not the center in their life. If I did not care about God as the center in my life, then I could be happily dating my boyfriend right now. But I knew that I had to love God more than my boyfriend. I still have to trust that if God wants us to be together then He will get a hold of his heart and bring us back together, and if not, then he has someone better in mind for me.
And how do I know that I will find someone better? What if he is the best for me? This I struggled with as well. But I truly believe God knows the desires of my heart and has more to give me than I can ever imagine. God wants my whole life including my dating and married relationship. If Christ is not the center of his life, then he is not right for me. It is as simple as that. God will provide the best if you will let him. The best is not someone who does not love God. It is important to remember the phrase “if you let him.” I have a friend who got married soon after high school. Her husband was not a great guy in high school. Yet, she chose the temporary happiness of dating and getting married to someone she liked and was comfortable with. Two years later, I run into him from time to time out late and smelling of alcohol and smoke while she sits at home with their baby. Some people cannot make the hard decision to end it and wait for the best.
Now it is important to remember when waiting for the best that I am not talking about tall, dark, handsome, smart, athletic, etc. Rather it is when you feel that this person is someone that you love and want to spend your life with as well as the goal of the couple is to serve and honor Christ. I had someone who I loved and wanted to spend my life with but as a couple Christ was not the center. Therefore I ended it and am waiting for the best when I can have both. My friend from high school chose to keep her relationship even though only one factor lined up.
I know all of this only helps a little. Trust me…I wrote this and I still cry because I get sad. Sometimes what helps me is to think of what God may be doing in the situation. For example, sometimes I wonder if God is going to use this situation to grab a hold of my ex-boyfriend’s heart and do great things with his life (whether we end up together or not), or what if God needs me to be single in order to meet the “best” guy next week, or what if God is using this break up because he wants me to write this book so it can change someone else’s life, or what if God wants to me marry someone who is passionate about children with special needs so we can open a clinic and help children together…God can move mountains so believe He can move a few bumps in your life.
Be honored to carry the Cross of Christ. It hurt on the Road to Calvary so it is supposed to hurt now. It is not easy, but trust that better is yet to come.
Regret…hope…uncertainty…desire…my will…God’s will…all these mixed emotions and thoughts run through my mind a month and a half after breaking up with my boyfriend of almost two years. Throughout my life growing up as a Christian, I often heard the term “unequally yoked” thrown around when talking about dating. I always heard the advice about not dating a non-Christian. And to be honest, that advice is obvious and easy to follow. Almost like “duh.”
But what happens when you begin dating a strong Christian with potential, but he loses his passion and desire for the Lord? What happens when you have dated someone for two years and God is first in your life but fourth in his? How long do you give them to get “right” with God? Does it matter because at least they have the same religion? What do you do when you think they will be “right” with God in a couple of years?
I have no idea. I decided to end my relationship. To be completely honest, I thought ending it would fix it. I assumed my breaking up with him would cause him to search for God. As I sit a month and half later with no boyfriend, I am filled with the many emotions listed above.
I have come to realize that this is part of bearing the Cross of Christ. Quite often when we hear that phrase we assume it means being persecuted or dying for your faith. But I believe it means breaking up with someone you love because Christ is not the center of their life. Do not confuse this with using God as an excuse to end a relationship. Do not use God as a cop out. It is a completely different situation to give something up you want for the sake of Christ. And it is not easy. I cried myself to sleep many nights because I was sad and lonely. Everyone around me seemed happy, and God was not the center in their life. If I did not care about God as the center in my life, then I could be happily dating my boyfriend right now. But I knew that I had to love God more than my boyfriend. I still have to trust that if God wants us to be together then He will get a hold of his heart and bring us back together, and if not, then he has someone better in mind for me.
And how do I know that I will find someone better? What if he is the best for me? This I struggled with as well. But I truly believe God knows the desires of my heart and has more to give me than I can ever imagine. God wants my whole life including my dating and married relationship. If Christ is not the center of his life, then he is not right for me. It is as simple as that. God will provide the best if you will let him. The best is not someone who does not love God. It is important to remember the phrase “if you let him.” I have a friend who got married soon after high school. Her husband was not a great guy in high school. Yet, she chose the temporary happiness of dating and getting married to someone she liked and was comfortable with. Two years later, I run into him from time to time out late and smelling of alcohol and smoke while she sits at home with their baby. Some people cannot make the hard decision to end it and wait for the best.
Now it is important to remember when waiting for the best that I am not talking about tall, dark, handsome, smart, athletic, etc. Rather it is when you feel that this person is someone that you love and want to spend your life with as well as the goal of the couple is to serve and honor Christ. I had someone who I loved and wanted to spend my life with but as a couple Christ was not the center. Therefore I ended it and am waiting for the best when I can have both. My friend from high school chose to keep her relationship even though only one factor lined up.
I know all of this only helps a little. Trust me…I wrote this and I still cry because I get sad. Sometimes what helps me is to think of what God may be doing in the situation. For example, sometimes I wonder if God is going to use this situation to grab a hold of my ex-boyfriend’s heart and do great things with his life (whether we end up together or not), or what if God needs me to be single in order to meet the “best” guy next week, or what if God is using this break up because he wants me to write this book so it can change someone else’s life, or what if God wants to me marry someone who is passionate about children with special needs so we can open a clinic and help children together…God can move mountains so believe He can move a few bumps in your life.
Be honored to carry the Cross of Christ. It hurt on the Road to Calvary so it is supposed to hurt now. It is not easy, but trust that better is yet to come.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Decisions, Decisions
When I returned home from my junior year in college, I was headed to Reno, Nevada, to do an internship, and thus, I needed a car. My Dad helped me get a loan and I set out doing lots of research. There is one thing you should know about me… I’m big on getting the best, and I will do research to make sure I’m getting the best. Now, the best doesn’t have to necessarily be the most expensive… in this case, when I say best, I mean the one that will last the longest, with the best gas mileage, and in doing this, for the first time, I found myself engrossed in a sea of Carfax material, Consumer Reports guides, Internet research, and much more… Here was the catch to buying a car though, since I’m a poor college student, and more particularly, since I’m a 21 year old male in the state of California, I needed to have my Dad co-sign on the car so that my insurance would be significantly cheaper. My Dad left 2 days after I got home… So, I had 2 days to find the best car… I searched Craigslist, Cars.com, Auto trader, you name it, I went there. I found nothing the first day, and as the second day approached, I continued to search. I found a nice Saturn at a dealership with low miles, but was hesitant to go since I had not really researched Saturn and was hoping for a Toyota or a Honda… so I continued to look, and finally my Dad looked at me and said…
“Josh… Stop, you need to realize, that even after you do all of this research, even if you find the best car… the one with the fewest miles, best ratings, best price, etc. And it still may break down at some point. At the end of the day, it’s just a car, and I think that God will honor your research… And if you pick wrong, it’s okay, you’ll learn from it and move on…”
I ended up buying a Mazda Protégé, at a really good price, and it’s been a great car…
You ever find yourself doing the same? Maybe not in the realm of buying cars… but what about in the area of dating?
I know I had always been told to only pursue the “best”… but what does “best” look like? How do you know when a person is the “best”? I recently had my best friend struggle with this. He had many fears when entering a potential relationship. They both confessed they had feelings, but he was afraid to hurt her… he was afraid that she wasn’t the “one” and thus that things would end in a break-up and she would be hurt. One day, as he struggled with his decision, I called and asked him…
Me: If you were sure that you wouldn’t hurt her, would you go for it?
Him: yeah man…
Me: You need to realize that in every relationship there is going to be some risk involved… you could possibly hurt the other person… but they sign up for that when you begin dating…
No matter how much time you spend talking about things before you become “official” or how much you know about the other person, you still, at some point, have to take a risk in beginning a dating relationship. You may be able to narrow the gap, and I strongly recommend doing this, through spending time with the person, and also getting the opinion of people around you, especially your parents… you’d be surprised, even though they may have gone 30 years since they last dated, they still have amazing advice…
I know that when I was a teen, I had this idea that dating was bad. That Christians don’t date, the world dates… And then some years later, I read the Joshua Harris books and learned that maybe “Courting” is the way to do. I was convinced that Courtship was the Christian dating… I bought into this concept that Christians must do everything differently.
Now please do realize that I was never taught any of this, but these were simply my perceptions…
Dating was when a girl and guy liked each other, they would “date”… not long after, they would probably be talking about how they the other person was the “one”… but odds are, they would break up, cause they had not put a lot of thought into dating each other, they hadn’t taken the time to see if they really were potential future spouses…They hadn’t done their “research”… And it would end in heartbreak, the both would cry a lot, and swear off dating for… ever….
And then two weeks later, they would be dating someone else and confessing their undying love for that person… And the cycle would begin again…
Courtship was based partially on the concept that you should wait until you’re ready to get married to consider dating/ courting… Then, when you were at an age where you were ready to get married, and you found a particular person to be attractive, you would talk to them and confess your feelings, but rather than simply dating the person, you would make it clear from the beginning that this relationship was intentionally for the sake of finding out whether this person was to be their future spouse. It started with Marriage as the goal, and went from there… Those that I know who have followed this have typically dating for anywhere from 6 months to a year and then gotten married. The concept was, if you were willing to save yourself, not only physically and sexually, but also emotionally, then it would make your marriage better as you would be able to enjoy your spouse fully…
This concept is great… it really is, and for some time, this is what I dreamed of my future relationship looking like. I would wait until I was 22 or 23 years old… until I had finished college, had my life in order, and then I would begin to look for “that” girl. There were a few problems for me though…
One, I had hormones that wanted desperately to date girls I found attractive… I’m kind of one of those guys who is big on romance. I can’t tell you how badly I wanted to find a girlfriend so I could spoil her, so I could hold her hand, so I could not have to feel pressured about who to ask to prom…
Two… After I was finished with girls for a while, having had a potential relationship blow up in my face, I was ready to simply be single for a while… and then I met a girl who changed everything… I met her at a camp in the Santa Cruz mountains and we hit it off immediately… we spent the entire week doing everything together… and we talked every night afterwards for the following two weeks before I went down to visit her..
What do you do, when at 19, when you’re not ready to get married yet, you meet a girl who takes your breath away? A girl that God has placed in your life… What do you do then? Well, dating says, “go for it…” while Courtship says, “Wait until you’re ready to get married…” Courtship champions a friendship relationship first until you’re in a place where you’re ready to begin a courting relationship… the hope is that you can narrow the “gap” and thus minimize the risk involved in moving forward together in hopes of also minimizing the heartbreak should things not work out…
I don’t know what many of you think of this or what you would do in this situation, but I went for it… I didn’t really pay attention to the whole dating/ courtship thing and instead, I did what I thought was best in the situations that arose… I began, a month after meeting her, when we both had expressed feelings for one another, but weren’t “official” yet, I told her that this relationship was for the intent of finding out whether or not I thought she was a person I could spend the rest of my life with… She whole-heartedly agreed.
Three... I was talking with a friend while getting Jamba Juice… I talked to her about a relationship she had been a part of that fell apart. Her Father had imposed strict rules and demanded that they pursue courtship from the beginning… Her Father told her she could not date… and you know what almost happened? She almost married the wrong person… She told me this one day…
“One of the flaws of courtship is that you’re constantly looking for ways to make it work, rather than looking for signs that it doesn’t work.”
How true is this? In a marriage relationship, you should be doing everything you can to make it work, but if you’re struggling through your pre-marriage relationship, you may be trying too hard to make your will fit God’s. You may be trying to justify a certain significant other as being “good enough”.
“Josh… Stop, you need to realize, that even after you do all of this research, even if you find the best car… the one with the fewest miles, best ratings, best price, etc. And it still may break down at some point. At the end of the day, it’s just a car, and I think that God will honor your research… And if you pick wrong, it’s okay, you’ll learn from it and move on…”
I ended up buying a Mazda Protégé, at a really good price, and it’s been a great car…
You ever find yourself doing the same? Maybe not in the realm of buying cars… but what about in the area of dating?
I know I had always been told to only pursue the “best”… but what does “best” look like? How do you know when a person is the “best”? I recently had my best friend struggle with this. He had many fears when entering a potential relationship. They both confessed they had feelings, but he was afraid to hurt her… he was afraid that she wasn’t the “one” and thus that things would end in a break-up and she would be hurt. One day, as he struggled with his decision, I called and asked him…
Me: If you were sure that you wouldn’t hurt her, would you go for it?
Him: yeah man…
Me: You need to realize that in every relationship there is going to be some risk involved… you could possibly hurt the other person… but they sign up for that when you begin dating…
No matter how much time you spend talking about things before you become “official” or how much you know about the other person, you still, at some point, have to take a risk in beginning a dating relationship. You may be able to narrow the gap, and I strongly recommend doing this, through spending time with the person, and also getting the opinion of people around you, especially your parents… you’d be surprised, even though they may have gone 30 years since they last dated, they still have amazing advice…
I know that when I was a teen, I had this idea that dating was bad. That Christians don’t date, the world dates… And then some years later, I read the Joshua Harris books and learned that maybe “Courting” is the way to do. I was convinced that Courtship was the Christian dating… I bought into this concept that Christians must do everything differently.
Now please do realize that I was never taught any of this, but these were simply my perceptions…
Dating was when a girl and guy liked each other, they would “date”… not long after, they would probably be talking about how they the other person was the “one”… but odds are, they would break up, cause they had not put a lot of thought into dating each other, they hadn’t taken the time to see if they really were potential future spouses…They hadn’t done their “research”… And it would end in heartbreak, the both would cry a lot, and swear off dating for… ever….
And then two weeks later, they would be dating someone else and confessing their undying love for that person… And the cycle would begin again…
Courtship was based partially on the concept that you should wait until you’re ready to get married to consider dating/ courting… Then, when you were at an age where you were ready to get married, and you found a particular person to be attractive, you would talk to them and confess your feelings, but rather than simply dating the person, you would make it clear from the beginning that this relationship was intentionally for the sake of finding out whether this person was to be their future spouse. It started with Marriage as the goal, and went from there… Those that I know who have followed this have typically dating for anywhere from 6 months to a year and then gotten married. The concept was, if you were willing to save yourself, not only physically and sexually, but also emotionally, then it would make your marriage better as you would be able to enjoy your spouse fully…
This concept is great… it really is, and for some time, this is what I dreamed of my future relationship looking like. I would wait until I was 22 or 23 years old… until I had finished college, had my life in order, and then I would begin to look for “that” girl. There were a few problems for me though…
One, I had hormones that wanted desperately to date girls I found attractive… I’m kind of one of those guys who is big on romance. I can’t tell you how badly I wanted to find a girlfriend so I could spoil her, so I could hold her hand, so I could not have to feel pressured about who to ask to prom…
Two… After I was finished with girls for a while, having had a potential relationship blow up in my face, I was ready to simply be single for a while… and then I met a girl who changed everything… I met her at a camp in the Santa Cruz mountains and we hit it off immediately… we spent the entire week doing everything together… and we talked every night afterwards for the following two weeks before I went down to visit her..
What do you do, when at 19, when you’re not ready to get married yet, you meet a girl who takes your breath away? A girl that God has placed in your life… What do you do then? Well, dating says, “go for it…” while Courtship says, “Wait until you’re ready to get married…” Courtship champions a friendship relationship first until you’re in a place where you’re ready to begin a courting relationship… the hope is that you can narrow the “gap” and thus minimize the risk involved in moving forward together in hopes of also minimizing the heartbreak should things not work out…
I don’t know what many of you think of this or what you would do in this situation, but I went for it… I didn’t really pay attention to the whole dating/ courtship thing and instead, I did what I thought was best in the situations that arose… I began, a month after meeting her, when we both had expressed feelings for one another, but weren’t “official” yet, I told her that this relationship was for the intent of finding out whether or not I thought she was a person I could spend the rest of my life with… She whole-heartedly agreed.
Three... I was talking with a friend while getting Jamba Juice… I talked to her about a relationship she had been a part of that fell apart. Her Father had imposed strict rules and demanded that they pursue courtship from the beginning… Her Father told her she could not date… and you know what almost happened? She almost married the wrong person… She told me this one day…
“One of the flaws of courtship is that you’re constantly looking for ways to make it work, rather than looking for signs that it doesn’t work.”
How true is this? In a marriage relationship, you should be doing everything you can to make it work, but if you’re struggling through your pre-marriage relationship, you may be trying too hard to make your will fit God’s. You may be trying to justify a certain significant other as being “good enough”.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)