Laying the Foundation

How do you know when you’re interested in someone?

I mean sure, often there’s someone who has caught your eye, but how do you know when you’re really interested in someone?

What I want to talk about in this chapter are a few ideas, that when implemented correctly, I have seen eliminate many of the 2-4 week “flings” that take place on many junior high and high school campuses. You know, the ones where they like each other, start dating, love each other after 2 weeks, and then a week later one of them gets their heart broken and the relationship is over. And even though it’s a short relationship, so much has happened that often these can be the relationships that hurt the most and cause the most damage, because they feel like complete failures and they often propel you to find another person (sometimes anyone else) who will like you so you can feel good about yourself.

What I want to talk about is laying the foundation for a successful relationship.

When you build a house, one of the first steps is making sure you have a foundation. Paying for the foundation to be laid is one of the less expensive steps in comparison to the costs of the rest of the house. It also is one of the least time consuming. Most foundations are done in a week tops. But if you’ve ever worked with a foundation that wasn’t straight, it constantly leads to problems.

I have very little experience building, but what limited experience I do have comes from a mission trip to Romania that I took. We were tasked with taking a cement room and giving it walls, run electrical wires, plumbing pipes, etc. We began “framing” the room with walls and as we were getting to the final doorway of the final room, we put it in place, nailed down, and then realized that something was wrong, the door wouldn’t fit. We were off by 12 inches. Now for those of us who are less informed about all things construction, 1 foot is no big deal, but for those that do know a lot about building, 1 foot might as well be the grand canyon. We had to rip the wall out and it was only then that we realized that our assumption of a perfectly flat ground and a perfectly perpendicular wall was incorrect. The angle of the wall was less than 90 degrees, and thus, everything was off. The foundation of the house is one of the least expensive steps and yet can lead to an endless amount of money being constantly poured into the house to “fix-it” if done incorrectly.

Similarly, when we don’t spend the time needed to lay a strong, solid foundation in our relationships, they are doomed to fail from the beginning, the only question is how far along you will get before you realize things are crooked. And the farther you get, the greater the consequences. Most don't realize it, but what you do before you get in a relationship, in my experience, is probably the greatest influencer on its success.

Here's what I've seen some people do to lay a solid foundation that have led to healthy relationships.

First, be patient!

The average Junior High/ Middle School relationship lasts about 14 days.

14.

That means, on average, that if you start a relationship in Junior High, and on the same day purchase a gallon of Milk, your relationship will be over before the milk goes bad.

That's crazy. And I'm sure you know of people who have made it less than 20 days. What I've seen some do that is extremely effective is operate under a waiting period, especially if you're in Junior High or High School. I think, when applied, that if you just follow this one rule, it will dramatically change the way you date, dramatically reduce the risk, and greatly increase the length of the average relationship, whether in Junior High, High School, College, or beyond.

You ready for this? It's incredibly simple and yet incredibly profound.

Once you establish you like someone, and I mean really like them, then wait one month before you do anything.
One entire month.
30 days.
But that's far longer than the average relationship. I believe that simply doing this will often reveal if your interest in someone is genuine (you're interested in them for the right reasons) or simply based on a good experience (Like going to a dance together or spending time together at camp.) It seems strange but one great way to protect yourself and your heart is simply to wait a month.

Second, after waiting a month, get the opinions of your friends and family.

It may seem strange to consider asking your family's opinion, but often times your parents, even though they are old, have great things to say and definitely see things that you don't.

I remember when I was in High school and even in college, talking with my Dad about relationships and girls. He always gave me advice that I didn't want to hear. And He was always right. It was so frustrating to me that a guy who hadn't dated since Noah got off the ark, was somehow always right.

This is why I think God put being obedient to your parents as one of His top 10 Commands to follow. Whether you believe in God or not, it is almost always sound advice to listen to your parents.

Many students have come up to me and said, "But I have lousy parents..." and it saddens me that currently it is difficult to find parents who genuinely care enough about their kids to be involved in the life of their student selflessly. If you are a student with parents who are not good role models, I'm sorry. And what I tell students like this is find someone else, who you trust, and ask their opinion. Whether a coach, youth pastor, Uncle, Grandparent, just someone not from your generation. They have insight into things that you miss due to their experience and wisdom.

In addition, it amazes me how many students I know that do not ask their friends what they think. Why would you not want the opinions of everyone who you trust? It seems to me, you need to hear several opinions before you have enough insight to move forward with a decision.

Now don't judge me for what I'm about to tell you next.

When I was in High School, my best friend and me used to have "Spa Talks". He and I, after a grueling day of whatever sport, would go crash the hot tub at his house, and would literally talk about girls for sometimes 2-3 hours. These were some of my favorite memories, and he helped me navigate the waters of dating expertly, often seeing things I didn't and helped me avoid potential titanic moments.

I'm not trying to make the decision to date someone bigger than it needs to be, but what I do want to do is lay the foundation for making decisions in the future. My experience has shown that having the opinions of others often will help me protect my heart by not getting into relationships that will fail. And I can tell you, having made a pattern in High School of asking the advice of my parents and friends, that when it came time to marry my now wife, I went to them and asked them both what they thought. The process was already in place. It was not something new, I had been doing it for years. You may not think you need the advice of others to decide to date someone, but I'd bet you think you need the opinions of others when it comes to deciding to marry someone else. By laying the foundation, it sets the pattern for which you follow for the rest of not only your dating life but your married one too.

Third, when you have waiting patiently and have talked with others and have gotten the go ahead, then I think you should talk directly to the girl.

It amazes me how often we still do the elementary style "asking out" whereby my friend talks to her friend who talks to her. By the end of the day, everyone knows cause everyone was a part of the process. We'll talk about this more next chapter, but the final thing I've seen be a big influencer in the success of establishing a healthy relationship is quite old-school.

Fourth, when you both decide you like each other, guys, go talk with her dad.

This may scare you. It should! But, because this does not happen much anymore, there is no fear involved in dating a girl. God made girls to be protected by men, and the idea of her Dad being responsible for protecting her is extremely Biblical. Guys, you need to honor her by talking with her Dad.

I remember one of our neighbors named Joe told me a story about the first date with his wife. He showed up all dressed up to take her out, and when he knocked on the door, her Dad greeted him. They talked until she was ready to go and then the Dad shook Joe's hand and they left. But this handshake was no ordinary one. Instead the Dad concealed in his hand and passed a shotgun shell to Joe. So that night, when Joe returned, he shook hands with the Dad and gave him the shell back. This went on for some time until the day the got married when, one final time, the Dad gave Joe the shotgun shell. The funniest part was, it wasn't until the wedding day that this girl knew this had happened.

This may seem funny or scary to you, but I love that story and think it clearly illustrates the responsibility that should be understood. Our culture likes to laugh at this idea and thinks it's "old-fashioned" but it's something I've seen that greatly reduces heartbreak. It also dramatically reduces the likelihood that the guy is simply trying to "get in your pants" because now he is no longer just dealing with you, but also with your dad. Girls, it is essential that you require this happen. It's so important for whoever this guy is to understand that someone is watching out for you and that if he tries to do something to hurt you, that he'll be held responsible.

Finally, above all else, spend time praying about it.

God knows everything. By definition he must. But for some reason, we think that when it comes to dating, since it's not in the Bible, he has nothing to say. Look at what the Bible promises will happen when we involve God in our decisions.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

Did you catch that? When we tell God our problems, He doesn't promise that they'll be taken care of or answered, he doesn't make them go away, but He brings something to the equation that is better, Peace. It says that this peace will guard our hearts and minds.

For those of you who have experienced it, great stress wreaks havoc on your body. But there's no reason to feel this, for God promises, in the midst of our stress, that He'll bring peace.

I encourage you, if you do nothing else, invite God into whatever phase of dating your currently in and let Him begin to direct not only your plans but your steps. I have seen this step alone be one of the greatest determiners of the success of a relationship. I don’t mean that if you get God’s opinion, your relationship will never fail, but rather, when people have legitimately put God first, they almost always leave the relationship having grown in a healthy way.

Once you've thought through these steps, then it's time to make a decision.