Getting over a break up…
People always say…”move on…find someone better…he is not the best…if it is meant to be it will be…you need this time to be single…now you have room to grow…just date around…have fun”…fill in the rest.
Depending on the situation, many of those suggestions may be true. But that does not make it any easier. I would like to share with you about a time in my life when I had to “get over” a break up. Take from it what you want…it is not suggestions…just my story.
In college, I was set up on a blind date by my old high school youth pastor. The boys name was Nick. He was in the worship band, cute, nice, and highly recommended. The date went great. He was amazing. After about a month of getting to know one another, we became “boyfriend and girlfriend.” Everything was perfect, all the time. He was my best friend. I thought he was “the one.” We had even talked about getting married. About five months into dating, we worked for a Christian summer camp together. When we finished serving for the summer, we went back to my house to visit my family. That night, he broke up with me. He told me that he did not know what to do and was overwhelmed. A few hours later I got a phone call from my old youth pastor saying that Nick had come visit him. Nick had told him that he was upset because he was having family issues and that he had taken it out on me. I was heart-broken for him, but relieved that he did not really want to break up. The next day, Nick came by to see me. He finalized the break up and said he was too overwhelmed. I was devastated, but hopeful. I wrote him a letter telling him that I was here for him, would never leave him, and wanted to be with him. He never responded.
I would like to tell you that a month later, he came back. We had both grown and were better for it. We fell back in love and to this day are happily married. But that is not the case. We never talked again. He married another girl about a year later.
I would also like to tell you that I trusted God and had stopped crying after a week. I would like to tell you that I realized he was a bad guy and was happy we broke up. I would like to tell you that I found someone better right away. But all this is not true.
I cried everyday for two months. Yes, two months. Then I cried about once a week for another month. I cried on the way to school, between classes, at work, and to sleep. He was all I wanted and thought about. I was mad at God. I did not understand how God could let this happen. I was mad that God did not bless us for working at a camp serving Him. I did not understand why people were not reaching out to him. I did not understand why God did not work it out for us. I was so upset that my parents began to get worried for me and had me see a psychologist. At times, I wondered if something was wrong with me. But nothing was. I was just sad. Despite everyone’s efforts, it seemed like nothing helped. I cried for three months, and it took me about six months before I even thought another boy was cute.
You must be thinking…WOW. And that is all one can say to express how upset I was and to express how long it took me to move on. So how did I move on? What caused me to finally date again?
Good question! I still to this day wonder how I moved on.
One thing I remember doing is never giving up on God. No matter how mad I was at Him, I always told Him. I always prayed for help. I always read my Bible with tears streaming down my face. One night, when I was particularly upset, I went outside in my backyard at two in the morning and read my Bible until five in the morning. Through everything, I never gave up pursuing God even though I was mad.
Second thing I did was to serve God in youth ministry. I began helping with the high school at my church. I slowly saw how God was using my experiences to help others. I saw that there was so much more to life than me. I very slowly began to realize how God saw the whole picture when I did not. Other issues began to be revealed about Nick through his family and my friends. Others saw what I could not while I was “in love” with him.
Thirdly, I sought after Godly council. I am not talking about my peers. My dad became my best friend. I told him everything, and he was there for me. My mom always encouraged me and took me shopping. I talked with my youth pastor’s wife. I talked to my mentor. I got to hear about their dating troubles when they were my age and the ending results. I realized I was not alone in heartbreak and disappointment, and yet, they had found true love in someone else.
Another thing that helped me to move on was doing nothing. I let myself cry and not date anyone else. I did not want anyone else, so why date? I turned down guys because I was not interested in them. And I do not regret it at all. I eventually found someone I was interested in and wanted to date.
I am happy that I do get to tell you that I moved on. I started dating someone about a year and a half after Nick and I broke up. I never think about Nick. I don’t even care to know what happened. I don’t ever miss him. There is not an ounce in me that cares about the situation. And believe me, I had a broken heart, more than anyone I have ever talked to.
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If you are in a situation similar to mine, I would like to share with you some of the phases that I went through as well as some of the things that I continued to remember during the moving on process.
Phase 1: SHOCK
This did not happen. What?! It will be back to normal tomorrow. I am sad, but not that sad. This will work itself out.
Phase 2: SADNESS
It is over and this is the worse thing that could have ever happened in my life. I am alone. I am devastated. No one understands how I feel.
Phase 3: ANGER
How could he have done this? Why won’t he work it out? He lied and never really loved me! I hate him and never want to see him again.
Phase 4: HOPE
Maybe I judge him too hard? Maybe I was wrong? Should I try to get him back?
Followed by phase 2, 3, 4, and then phase 2, 3, and 4
Phase 5: ACCEPTANCE
This happened. It sucks. I still hope it works out but must let it go. Trust that better will come, either in the form of a surprise change in the ex down the road or another person that is better for me.
My grandma gave me some advice once that I thought was very wise…”Wait around for the ex until you meet someone better and you don’t want to wait anymore.” Naturally, you will move on. You don’t have to force it.
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I would also like to give you some verses and sayings that I quoted to myself that helped me to sleep at night.
“Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”
“The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it.”
“God knows the desires of my heart and has the best in mind for me.”
“If it is not him, then that means there is better out there for me.”
“Greater is He who is in me, than He who is in the world.”
I know that it is hard. It feels like life is not as fun or as special. I know it feels like you have nothing. But remember that God sees the entire picture while all you can see is one piece of the puzzle. He has your best interests at heart. While you think and believe that the person you lost is the “one” please trust that if that is the case, God will bring them back regardless if you wait around crying or not. And if that person is not “the one” then trust that God has better than you can imagine.
I told you that I would just share my story and not give you any suggestions, but I do have one for you. Pursue God.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Carrying the Cross of Christ
Carrying the Cross of Christ…
Regret…hope…uncertainty…desire…my will…God’s will…all these mixed emotions and thoughts run through my mind a month and a half after breaking up with my boyfriend of almost two years. Throughout my life growing up as a Christian, I often heard the term “unequally yoked” thrown around when talking about dating. I always heard the advice about not dating a non-Christian. And to be honest, that advice is obvious and easy to follow. Almost like “duh.”
But what happens when you begin dating a strong Christian with potential, but he loses his passion and desire for the Lord? What happens when you have dated someone for two years and God is first in your life but fourth in his? How long do you give them to get “right” with God? Does it matter because at least they have the same religion? What do you do when you think they will be “right” with God in a couple of years?
I have no idea. I decided to end my relationship. To be completely honest, I thought ending it would fix it. I assumed my breaking up with him would cause him to search for God. As I sit a month and half later with no boyfriend, I am filled with the many emotions listed above.
I have come to realize that this is part of bearing the Cross of Christ. Quite often when we hear that phrase we assume it means being persecuted or dying for your faith. But I believe it means breaking up with someone you love because Christ is not the center of their life. Do not confuse this with using God as an excuse to end a relationship. Do not use God as a cop out. It is a completely different situation to give something up you want for the sake of Christ. And it is not easy. I cried myself to sleep many nights because I was sad and lonely. Everyone around me seemed happy, and God was not the center in their life. If I did not care about God as the center in my life, then I could be happily dating my boyfriend right now. But I knew that I had to love God more than my boyfriend. I still have to trust that if God wants us to be together then He will get a hold of his heart and bring us back together, and if not, then he has someone better in mind for me.
And how do I know that I will find someone better? What if he is the best for me? This I struggled with as well. But I truly believe God knows the desires of my heart and has more to give me than I can ever imagine. God wants my whole life including my dating and married relationship. If Christ is not the center of his life, then he is not right for me. It is as simple as that. God will provide the best if you will let him. The best is not someone who does not love God. It is important to remember the phrase “if you let him.” I have a friend who got married soon after high school. Her husband was not a great guy in high school. Yet, she chose the temporary happiness of dating and getting married to someone she liked and was comfortable with. Two years later, I run into him from time to time out late and smelling of alcohol and smoke while she sits at home with their baby. Some people cannot make the hard decision to end it and wait for the best.
Now it is important to remember when waiting for the best that I am not talking about tall, dark, handsome, smart, athletic, etc. Rather it is when you feel that this person is someone that you love and want to spend your life with as well as the goal of the couple is to serve and honor Christ. I had someone who I loved and wanted to spend my life with but as a couple Christ was not the center. Therefore I ended it and am waiting for the best when I can have both. My friend from high school chose to keep her relationship even though only one factor lined up.
I know all of this only helps a little. Trust me…I wrote this and I still cry because I get sad. Sometimes what helps me is to think of what God may be doing in the situation. For example, sometimes I wonder if God is going to use this situation to grab a hold of my ex-boyfriend’s heart and do great things with his life (whether we end up together or not), or what if God needs me to be single in order to meet the “best” guy next week, or what if God is using this break up because he wants me to write this book so it can change someone else’s life, or what if God wants to me marry someone who is passionate about children with special needs so we can open a clinic and help children together…God can move mountains so believe He can move a few bumps in your life.
Be honored to carry the Cross of Christ. It hurt on the Road to Calvary so it is supposed to hurt now. It is not easy, but trust that better is yet to come.
Regret…hope…uncertainty…desire…my will…God’s will…all these mixed emotions and thoughts run through my mind a month and a half after breaking up with my boyfriend of almost two years. Throughout my life growing up as a Christian, I often heard the term “unequally yoked” thrown around when talking about dating. I always heard the advice about not dating a non-Christian. And to be honest, that advice is obvious and easy to follow. Almost like “duh.”
But what happens when you begin dating a strong Christian with potential, but he loses his passion and desire for the Lord? What happens when you have dated someone for two years and God is first in your life but fourth in his? How long do you give them to get “right” with God? Does it matter because at least they have the same religion? What do you do when you think they will be “right” with God in a couple of years?
I have no idea. I decided to end my relationship. To be completely honest, I thought ending it would fix it. I assumed my breaking up with him would cause him to search for God. As I sit a month and half later with no boyfriend, I am filled with the many emotions listed above.
I have come to realize that this is part of bearing the Cross of Christ. Quite often when we hear that phrase we assume it means being persecuted or dying for your faith. But I believe it means breaking up with someone you love because Christ is not the center of their life. Do not confuse this with using God as an excuse to end a relationship. Do not use God as a cop out. It is a completely different situation to give something up you want for the sake of Christ. And it is not easy. I cried myself to sleep many nights because I was sad and lonely. Everyone around me seemed happy, and God was not the center in their life. If I did not care about God as the center in my life, then I could be happily dating my boyfriend right now. But I knew that I had to love God more than my boyfriend. I still have to trust that if God wants us to be together then He will get a hold of his heart and bring us back together, and if not, then he has someone better in mind for me.
And how do I know that I will find someone better? What if he is the best for me? This I struggled with as well. But I truly believe God knows the desires of my heart and has more to give me than I can ever imagine. God wants my whole life including my dating and married relationship. If Christ is not the center of his life, then he is not right for me. It is as simple as that. God will provide the best if you will let him. The best is not someone who does not love God. It is important to remember the phrase “if you let him.” I have a friend who got married soon after high school. Her husband was not a great guy in high school. Yet, she chose the temporary happiness of dating and getting married to someone she liked and was comfortable with. Two years later, I run into him from time to time out late and smelling of alcohol and smoke while she sits at home with their baby. Some people cannot make the hard decision to end it and wait for the best.
Now it is important to remember when waiting for the best that I am not talking about tall, dark, handsome, smart, athletic, etc. Rather it is when you feel that this person is someone that you love and want to spend your life with as well as the goal of the couple is to serve and honor Christ. I had someone who I loved and wanted to spend my life with but as a couple Christ was not the center. Therefore I ended it and am waiting for the best when I can have both. My friend from high school chose to keep her relationship even though only one factor lined up.
I know all of this only helps a little. Trust me…I wrote this and I still cry because I get sad. Sometimes what helps me is to think of what God may be doing in the situation. For example, sometimes I wonder if God is going to use this situation to grab a hold of my ex-boyfriend’s heart and do great things with his life (whether we end up together or not), or what if God needs me to be single in order to meet the “best” guy next week, or what if God is using this break up because he wants me to write this book so it can change someone else’s life, or what if God wants to me marry someone who is passionate about children with special needs so we can open a clinic and help children together…God can move mountains so believe He can move a few bumps in your life.
Be honored to carry the Cross of Christ. It hurt on the Road to Calvary so it is supposed to hurt now. It is not easy, but trust that better is yet to come.
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