Getting Over a Break-up

Getting over a break up…

People always say…”move on…find someone better…he is not the best…if it is meant to be it will be…you need this time to be single…now you have room to grow…just date around…have fun”…fill in the rest.

Depending on the situation, many of those suggestions may be true. But that does not make it any easier. I would like to share with you about a time in my life when I had to “get over” a break up. Take from it what you want…it is not suggestions…just my story.

In college, I was set up on a blind date by my old high school youth pastor. The boys name was Nick. He was in the worship band, cute, nice, and highly recommended. The date went great. He was amazing. After about a month of getting to know one another, we became “boyfriend and girlfriend.” Everything was perfect, all the time. He was my best friend. I thought he was “the one.” We had even talked about getting married. About five months into dating, we worked for a Christian summer camp together. When we finished serving for the summer, we went back to my house to visit my family. That night, he broke up with me. He told me that he did not know what to do and was overwhelmed. A few hours later I got a phone call from my old youth pastor saying that Nick had come visit him. Nick had told him that he was upset because he was having family issues and that he had taken it out on me. I was heart-broken for him, but relieved that he did not really want to break up. The next day, Nick came by to see me. He finalized the break up and said he was too overwhelmed. I was devastated, but hopeful. I wrote him a letter telling him that I was here for him, would never leave him, and wanted to be with him. He never responded.

I would like to tell you that a month later, he came back. We had both grown and were better for it. We fell back in love and to this day are happily married. But that is not the case. We never talked again. He married another girl about a year later.

I would also like to tell you that I trusted God and had stopped crying after a week. I would like to tell you that I realized he was a bad guy and was happy we broke up. I would like to tell you that I found someone better right away. But all this is not true.

I cried everyday for two months. Yes, two months. Then I cried about once a week for another month. I cried on the way to school, between classes, at work, and to sleep. He was all I wanted and thought about. I was mad at God. I did not understand how God could let this happen. I was mad that God did not bless us for working at a camp serving Him. I did not understand why people were not reaching out to him. I did not understand why God did not work it out for us. I was so upset that my parents began to get worried for me and had me see a psychologist. At times, I wondered if something was wrong with me. But nothing was. I was just sad. Despite everyone’s efforts, it seemed like nothing helped. I cried for three months, and it took me about six months before I even thought another boy was cute.

You must be thinking…WOW. And that is all one can say to express how upset I was and to express how long it took me to move on. So how did I move on? What caused me to finally date again?

Good question! I still to this day wonder how I moved on.

One thing I remember doing is never giving up on God. No matter how mad I was at Him, I always told Him. I always prayed for help. I always read my Bible with tears streaming down my face. One night, when I was particularly upset, I went outside in my backyard at two in the morning and read my Bible until five in the morning. Through everything, I never gave up pursuing God even though I was mad.

Second thing I did was to serve God in youth ministry. I began helping with the high school at my church. I slowly saw how God was using my experiences to help others. I saw that there was so much more to life than me. I very slowly began to realize how God saw the whole picture when I did not. Other issues began to be revealed about Nick through his family and my friends. Others saw what I could not while I was “in love” with him.

Thirdly, I sought after Godly council. I am not talking about my peers. My dad became my best friend. I told him everything, and he was there for me. My mom always encouraged me and took me shopping. I talked with my youth pastor’s wife. I talked to my mentor. I got to hear about their dating troubles when they were my age and the ending results. I realized I was not alone in heartbreak and disappointment, and yet, they had found true love in someone else.

Another thing that helped me to move on was doing nothing. I let myself cry and not date anyone else. I did not want anyone else, so why date? I turned down guys because I was not interested in them. And I do not regret it at all. I eventually found someone I was interested in and wanted to date.

I am happy that I do get to tell you that I moved on. I started dating someone about a year and a half after Nick and I broke up. I never think about Nick. I don’t even care to know what happened. I don’t ever miss him. There is not an ounce in me that cares about the situation. And believe me, I had a broken heart, more than anyone I have ever talked to.

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If you are in a situation similar to mine, I would like to share with you some of the phases that I went through as well as some of the things that I continued to remember during the moving on process.

Phase 1: SHOCK
This did not happen. What?! It will be back to normal tomorrow. I am sad, but not that sad. This will work itself out.

Phase 2: SADNESS
It is over and this is the worse thing that could have ever happened in my life. I am alone. I am devastated. No one understands how I feel.

Phase 3: ANGER
How could he have done this? Why won’t he work it out? He lied and never really loved me! I hate him and never want to see him again.

Phase 4: HOPE
Maybe I judge him too hard? Maybe I was wrong? Should I try to get him back?

Followed by phase 2, 3, 4, and then phase 2, 3, and 4

Phase 5: ACCEPTANCE
This happened. It sucks. I still hope it works out but must let it go. Trust that better will come, either in the form of a surprise change in the ex down the road or another person that is better for me.

My grandma gave me some advice once that I thought was very wise…”Wait around for the ex until you meet someone better and you don’t want to wait anymore.” Naturally, you will move on. You don’t have to force it.

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I would also like to give you some verses and sayings that I quoted to myself that helped me to sleep at night.

“Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”

“The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it.”

“God knows the desires of my heart and has the best in mind for me.”

“If it is not him, then that means there is better out there for me.”

“Greater is He who is in me, than He who is in the world.”

I know that it is hard. It feels like life is not as fun or as special. I know it feels like you have nothing. But remember that God sees the entire picture while all you can see is one piece of the puzzle. He has your best interests at heart. While you think and believe that the person you lost is the “one” please trust that if that is the case, God will bring them back regardless if you wait around crying or not. And if that person is not “the one” then trust that God has better than you can imagine.

I told you that I would just share my story and not give you any suggestions, but I do have one for you. Pursue God.